The lessons I have learned have dramatically shifted me as a person.

I am only 20 years old, and my spiritual knowledge and wisdom are still limited in the grand scheme. However, when I look back at who I was, even one year ago, I am incredibly moved by my progress in self-understanding and my mindset.

I have struggled with my mental health for a long time. I've had many ups and downs. However, with each phase of difficulty, I have returned with a lesson I will take with me for life.

I can only detail the lessons I have learned and those that serve me well to this day. I am not a licensed advice-giver: I can only attest to what has helped and inspired me. However, I have this underlying sense that perhaps these lessons could help someone else.

As I write these so-called "lessons," I want to be clear that they aren't written from a place of pretentiousness or conceit. Each of us has experienced different things, and some of these lessons might not even apply to others: these are just what I know now, at the age of 20, with the understanding that my future will expand these lessons, shift them, and also provide me with new ones.

Below are the ten lessons that have greatly impacted me.

The pursuit of happiness is never fulfilling. The belief that there are "correct" emotions to feel and "incorrect" ones will only leave you feeling empty. Before, when I experienced depression, anxiety, or any emotional pain, I would berate myself for not being able to get out of the circumstance. I viewed joy as the only "proper" emotion I should allow myself to feel.

When I started in psychology, I read many books about the human mind. I became convinced I could "trick" my brain into avoiding social anxiety or immense sadness. Thus I would enter a cycle of emotional instability and self-resentment. I was frustrated when I felt these emotions.

Everything changed when, a few months ago, I stopped judging my feelings and acknowledged them. I told myself, "I'm going to allow myself to feel this anxiety/sadness/grief/pain. I'm not going to avoid it, nor will I do anything to try to change it; I'm simply going to live with it, notice it, and remain open and curious towards it."

I'd previously heard of mindfulness and thought, "What good is that? Being aware of your negative emotions could only worsen the symptoms." But I was so wrong.

When I stopped fighting off every "bad" feeling that came my way and told myself, "I'm going to welcome every emotion that comes to me with open arms," I found that:

• Regulating my emotions was effortless. I didn't have as many mood swings by experiencing the feelings entirely when they came to me. I allowed myself to process the emotions when they came to me, rather than pushing them down and having them come up in unexpected and spontaneous scenarios.

• I realized that the emotions I was trying to avoid could be seen as beneficial. When I was sad, I could express myself through poetry and allow my body to process the emotion. It wasn't "wallowing" in my sadness - it allowed it to go through my body and come out the other side.

• When I stopped suppressing negative emotions, the positive ones were even stronger. When I feel joy or excitement, it radiates through my entire body.

When I first heard about this concept, I thought, "okay, I just have to let myself be sad, and then I can get happy." Even this idea plays into the perspective that happiness should always be the end goal. If I had to reword that thought, I would say, "Let me experience my sadness and understand what it has to offer me."

I can't stress this enough: stop chasing happiness.

Throughout my life, I have often had days where I wake up and think, "Today's the day I get my entire life together and become the person I want to be." I would plan how to start working out, meditating daily, reading more, eating healthier, etc. I had an "all or nothing" approach to my goals.

As quickly as I started, I would fall back into my old habits. I was looking at the long-term, visualizing every day I would follow this "plan." I had these big, lofty goals and this entire planned procedure of how I would achieve them.

My mindset now is that I think only in days. I don't think of how many times a week I want to go to the gym, or else I get overwhelmed and don't go at all. I don't visualize or stay fixated on any "results."

Instead, I wake up and think, what do I want to do today that will make me a better person tomorrow? I see every day as a drop in a bucket, the bucket representing my goals. The drop I put into the bucket can be big or small, but it is still progress. I try to avoid turning the day into something that empties that bucket.

I no longer am fixated on "becoming" my ideal person; I don't see any end goal. Instead, what keeps me going is the idea of progress. As long as I am moving forward, I don't necessarily need a specific destination.

This way, I try to make every day a "step forward." I don't need to plan what I'm going to do, but I want to end every day knowing I made some progress in my goals or at least did something advantageous for my future self. This could be working on my blog, working out, hydrating myself, reading a book, meditating, etc.

I could write an entire article about self-love, and perhaps I will in the future. It is something I feel very strongly about, as someone who has gone from tolerating myself to despising myself to even dehumanizing myself.

I'm not going to go into the details, but what I've learned is that:

• The more critical I am of myself, the more critical I become of other people and vice versa.

• The less attention and care I give myself, the more I turn to others to fill me with validation and praise.

• The more I rely on external validation, the more other people's criticism hurts and damages me.

• The more other people's criticism hurts me, the more I lose sight of myself as I try to change myself into what others want rather than what I want.

Let me explain what I do instead:

• I create daily routines that show my commitment to caring for myself. Knowing your love languages can help you devise a way that will help fill you with love. For instance, my love languages are quality time and physical touch. I make sure I spend time journaling every day with my thoughts and ideas. Regarding physical touch, I have a skincare routine that incorporates a face and body massage that I do every night. These are commitments I have made to show myself how much I care.

• Genuine love for myself cannot be conditional: I must learn to like myself in whatever state or emotion I am in. Similar to Lesson #1, when I realized that every emotion is equally important and meaningful, I also learned to appreciate myself no matter where I was.

• I focus on becoming my ideal person (more on this idea later).

Although many people will argue that self-love comes from looking in the mirror and saying "I'm beautiful" repeatedly, I disagree. In my opinion, self-love has only come from doing the ACTIONS first - the positive thoughts come as a byproduct. Or, at least, if you say those positive thoughts to yourself in the mirror, you must follow it up with self-compassionate actions, too.

Whoever you want to be, whatever you want to become - treat yourself and act as if you are already that person. When we make bargains like, "I'll love myself when...", our love for ourselves is conditional and not built on genuineness. The only unconditional self-love that is genuinely everlasting and truly freeing is that which is absolute.

We can love ourselves even when we know there are improvements we could make. The only way I made real, lasting improvements was when I did it out of a place of love rather than criticism and self-loathing.

For example, I go to the gym not because I hate my body but because I love it, and I love how working out makes me feel about myself: strong, determined, and focused. I do it because it helps me mentally, too. When I act out of a place of love, my motivation is much more intense.

Every day I ask myself: "Are you more focused on being loved, or are you more focused on loving?"

This is a crucial question. As someone still understanding what love means, it is also an idea that is a work-in-progress. I think, however, that the book that grounded what love is, for me, was All About Love: New Visions by Bell Hooks.

Here is a quote that stood out for me:

"To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility. We are often taught we have no control over our feelings... to think of actions shaping feelings is one way we rid ourselves of conventionally accepted assumptions such as that parents love their children, or that one simply 'falls' in love without exercising will or choice, that there are such things as 'crimes of passion'... if we were constantly remembering that love is as love does, we would not use the word in a manner that devalues and degrades its meaning. When we are loving, we openly and honestly express care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust."

(I would recommend this book to anybody on Earth. It isn't sappy or sentimental, but it lays out what it means to "love" in this groundbreaking way.)

In this day and age, we often mistake attention and validation from people as the ultimate form of love. But it isn't. Celebrities still struggle with self-love all the time, even when they have hoards and hoards of adoring fans.

The only way to truly experience deep, genuine love is to realize that it is an infinite resource and that all the love you put into the universe inevitably returns to you.

This may sound cheesy, but I believe it is because the word "love" has been misconstrued. Like what the Bell Hooks quote summarized, we often view love as an emotion, something outside of our control. But love is a choice, and it is an action.

To love others is to provide them with not only your attention but with your care. What actions can you do today to show people you love them? Sometimes it just means showing up. Sometimes it means expressing to them how much they genuinely mean to you. Sometimes it means caring for them when they're at their worst. Sometimes it means giving them space when they need it but letting them know you're always there.

It is similar to loving yourself how you want others to love you - love others how you want them to love you, as well.

I used to want so badly for others to like me. I tried so hard to entertain them that I unknowingly became their pawn. In my notes app, I wrote: "I'm doomed by an internalized audience. I feel like I must perform even when alone. I feel I must entertain myself with my own personality. No wonder I am exhausted."

To be me was not enough; I had to make others like me.

It worked, but only to an extent. When people commented on how funny, attractive, or fantastic I was, I didn't believe them. I could not see what they saw. It's obvious why now; I had spent so much time creating their ideal person that I had lost sight of who I wanted to be.

Why is there so much emphasis on becoming society's standard or becoming palatable to the most significant number of people rather than catering to our ideals?

Eventually, I realized what I was doing had to stop because I no longer liked myself. Because I had shaped myself to fit the standards of the world around me, I didn't like what I had become. It wasn't my ideals that I had used to shape my behaviour and appearance: it was those of others.

I decided to gaze at myself through my values and ideals. Who did I want to be? What could I do to make myself the proudest? I began to project my ideas onto myself rather than the ideals of others. I asked myself, What do I find attractive? What do I enjoy? What do I like? Who do I want to be? I realized that what I found appealing and what I enjoyed was not always identical to what others did.

Not only did this give me increased freedom to express myself, but I also stopped seeing myself through this strange third perspective where I consistently felt watched. Now I was in my own body, making decisions in tune with what I wanted and felt. I could dress how I wanted to, say what I wanted, and live how I wanted to. I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I thought of myself positively because I was now aligned with my values rather than others.

Now, when I feel a sense of rejection or negative judgment from others, I can evaluate the situation more clearly. Do I like the person I am right now? Yes. Do I have the same values and ideals as those who rejected/judged me? No. So why should I shape myself to match their interests, not my own?

Only through our ideals and self-understanding can we find true self-acceptance and clarity. By remaining true to our standards and values, we can shape ourselves into who we want to become, rather than living a life of self-hatred and contempt because we don't fit into what others want.

Part of the lesson that came with loving myself, taking care of myself, and finding ways to become my ideal person, was simultaneously letting go of people or situations that made me feel worse about myself.

Before, if someone made me feel worse about myself, I'd think I deserved it. I didn't like myself, so I thought that, perhaps, they had a point.

Saying "no," speaking up for yourself, and avoiding situations that will bring out a worse version of you aren't just necessary: they are a clear sign you have grown and developed self-compassion and respect.

Although sometimes, I still struggle, I remind myself: that maintaining a boundary and saying "no" isn't selfish; it is just as beneficial to you as it is to the other person.

Resentment and burn-out are dangerous and unhealthy in any relationship or friendship. You're the only person responsible for asserting how different people can and cannot treat you. But it isn't other people's job to mind-read and know when they've crossed a line.

Learn to ride the waves rather than steer them in any way. Don't force anything.

It's interesting because this mindset dates back to Grade 12, when I wrote an essay about my take on the meaning of life. I detailed how many people believe that the point of life is to find their personal "purpose" and use it to do something consequential and significant. I argued that many of these people would often create detailed plans many years into the future, imagine how their life will go, and develop advanced expectations for themselves.

Instead, I argued, I believed in the importance of resisting the constant search for meaning and embracing the uncertainty of life and the freedom that awakens when you allow yourself to accept that unpredictability.

I read this essay today, and I still am taken aback by how much I still agree with it:

"There is no need to fear change or unpredictability, as you can always 'begin again'; nothing in life is truly set in stone. There is always a way out of your rut and into a new stage of your life. True freedom comes when we stop searching and let ourselves live. It's easy to fool yourself into thinking that there are set rules to living a 'good' life-- that you must 'follow your dreams' or find the meaning of why you are here to truly have a successful existence. It only takes a moment to realize that most of the things we are chasing are done in vain, and most of us are always in pursuit of what will make us happy, rather than being content with where we are.

Furthermore, when you realize the inalterable fleeting quality of time and the imminent approach of your demise, you notice the insignificance of your accomplishments. This is not limiting or upsetting; instead, this is freeing. Your job is simply to live, and there are no rules on how to do this.

It is hard to fully invest in your present experience if you believe you are doing everything for a dream, a purpose, or a fantasy barely visible in your head. Rather than living in a tangible moment, you are living through the lens of something currently non-existent.

Life is beautiful simply because of its fluidity and unpredictability and because it is merely unexplainable and random. To me, attempting to find meaning or purpose in your life is pointless because of the incongruity and absurdity of existence. Why bother planning or taming your life, when life is lawless and will always choose to move in its direction? To me, the duty of humanity is simply to exist and understand that nothing will turn out how you planned. Perhaps we should bask in the beauty of that sentiment rather than trying to resist it."

Although today, I can't entirely agree that it is pointless to find personal meaning within your life, what I wrote about embracing the lawlessness of life and learning to ride along with whatever comes still rings very true.

Thought experiment: think about a time when you did something embarrassing or socially awkward. If you're like me, you probably have a lot of different ones coming up.

Now, I want you to think about a time when someone else did something embarrassing or socially awkward. Typically these are much more difficult to think of.

We often believe we are at the centre of the universe and that everyone is watching us when we are in public. This is simply untrue.

I used to be very self-conscious while in public or social interactions. I didn't want to be perceived as doing anything "weird." But then I realized a) who cares how a stranger perceives me? I might never see them again, and b) would I care if I saw someone doing the same thing I'm doing? Not really.

Only you can decide whether or not you're embarrassed or whether something you do is embarrassing or not. Don't let other people stifle you from doing what you want or expressing yourself freely.

Find something more significant to believe in, something that inspires you to see the beauty around you and stay grateful, even in times of pain.

I believe in something greater than myself. I find it hard to explain this faith I have because it is both personal and, at times, illogical. But I believe everything that happens in our life is purposeful. Whatever enters our life is meant to enter; whatever leaves is intended to go.

I have this deep sense of there being a higher power or at least this underlying feeling that there is something greater looking out for me. I'm not religious - I don't associate with any particular belief system - but I have found a way to create my own beliefs that reward me with a deeper appreciation for my life and the world's gifts all around me.

I don't think everyone must follow a religion. Still, I believe it is essential to have some sense of faith: faith that something is looking out for you, faith that what you're going through is temporary, faith that even though life might not make sense right now, you will have more answers in the future.

Simplest of all, but perhaps the most important: live in the present moment.

The future and the past are both conceptual. They exist only within your mind: you can never actually "be" in the future, nor can you actually "be" in the past. It's straightforward, but it's also sometimes hard for people to grasp.

It's easy to be so focused on the future or past that you don't even notice what is happening right before you. We can go about our lives focusing on the next stressor or an exciting upcoming plan. But what we don't realize is the future is never promised. Every minute past the one we are currently is never expected. I mean this in the most non-depressing way: you could die at any moment.

I spent most of middle school wanting to be older. I spent most of high school waiting to graduate. I started university thinking I want to have my degree. I want this to be over.

When we view life this way - like a ladder we must climb, step by step, always focused on reaching the next rung - we lose out on the beauty of the current moment. You will never be the age you are right now, ever again. You will never experience the world as you do at this moment. One day, many of the things you cherish today might not be there anymore. Why are you not spending time in the current moment, being grateful for what surrounds you?

As you're reading this: this is the only moment you have. So why are you waiting for something, or are you focusing on what you used to have?

How do you practice being present? By fulling participating and soaking in what is around you - the people around you, the interactions, the small details.

When we are present, we...

• Avoid overthinking (which is never helpful - we can't "outthink" our problems).

• Gain a sense of curiosity and notice small, beautiful details we wouldn't have seen before.

• Give back our sense of control. The only way to change our future is to engage in the present moment.

What are the lessons you have learned in your life? Comment below and let me know.