5 Things That Helped Me Overcome My Shyness

Social anxiety can sometimes feel like a window between you and human connection. Let me help with that.

For people who are just getting to know me now, here’s something that may shock you: I used to be deeply afraid of human interaction.

About a year and a half ago, after a long period of social isolation, I realized that I had forgotten how to be “normal” in both public and private settings, to the point where I longed to avoid it, and often did.

It wasn’t something I hadn’t experienced before - I’ve had periods of shyness and antisocial behaviours throughout my life. But this one felt exceedingly terrible.

I thought it was just me. My destiny would be living in an apartment alone, reading and never answering my door. I probably wouldn’t even install a doorbell to avoid the possibility of talking to a stranger.

Now, however, I am often described as very outgoing by people who first meet me. Others have also described me as someone who “doesn’t seem to care what anyone thinks of her.” (Untrue, and also I took it as a compliment, but others may not have).

I’ve even reached a point where I can have conversations with strangers in public (something which I thought was only for actual aliens who had somehow managed to transcend human awkwardness).

Unfortunately, I still have not been able to transcend human awkwardness. However, I have gotten to a point where I don’t dread interacting with new people, feel engaged in conversations with those around me, and am not paralyzingly self-conscious. So I see that as a big step forward.

Want to know how I got this way? Here are five things that helped.

The most obvious thing I can recommend for anyone trying to overcome social anxiety is to start doing things that make you anxious.

Afraid of making phone calls? Next time you’re wondering if a store has the book you’re looking for, call the store and talk to an associate.

Afraid of being in public alone? Go shopping. Or take yourself out for dinner. Or run through a parking lot.

Afraid of being in a lecture hall with a hundred other kids? Start attending class.

Afraid of talking to strangers? Compliment your waitress on her tattoo.

Afraid of public speaking? Start public speaking.

As you begin to expose yourself to situations that make you anxious, realize it isn't a problem that you're, in turn, feeling anxious. In fact, my friend, that is exactly the point.

View your anxiety as a sign you're doing something right: you're leaving that fuzzy zone of comfort to go into a world where you might experience all the things you feared - someone disagreeing with you! Being called upon! Someone pantsing you in public!

I remember walking to my Spring class and feeling the familiar sensation of my stomach dropping to the ground, my body wanting me to turn around and go home.

Interesting, I thought. This situation is giving me a little bit of anxiety.

Noticing it helped to remind me that anxiety is just a collection of physical and mental sensations that play around with the way you see the world.

It's not something you choose, nor is it something you can erase by snapping your fingers.

You can practice deep breathing and meditation to help cope with anxiety, but sometimes it will just always be there.

Your anxiety is really just a scared little dog that needs to be taught that the world isn't out to destroy it. Don't beat it up for being scared. Start exposing it to the things that it is afraid of, and let it develop trust.

Another thing that helped me become less shy was appreciating myself and realizing what I had to offer socially.

For a while, I was so focused on acting “normal,” “sociable,” or “likeable” that in conversations, I’d forget that I was a human being and become a robot bent on getting others’ approval.

But the same thing you think makes others like you can actually push them away. There's a reason why people still value human friendship and don't just sit around at home talking to Siri all day.

So what do I suggest you do?

Understand yourself and your views of the world.

Contemplate...

• What do I have to offer?

• What do I know a lot about?

• What are my conversational strengths?

• What do I enjoy talking about?

If you can, keep a journal to share your thoughts and ideas. Realize your brain is fascinating and nobody is winning by interacting with the robot version of yourself.

Read books, watch movies, write stories and ideas, and learn about the world. In turn, learn to appreciate your unique perspective on the world, and how your way of seeing things might be different than others.

Realize the power you have! Your voice can support others, reduce tension, help those you care about, reduce stigmas, change people's minds, and educate. Your silence is doing nobody justice! The world deserves to hear you speak, and you deserve to speak to the world.

Trying to morph yourself into the people you surround yourself with is useless. We don’t need another echo chamber. People want to hear what you think.

Once you develop an understanding and appreciation of yourself, you will realize that the opinions you used to care about are entirely useless to your self-development.

The only people whose opinions truly matter are those whose wisdom we value or who we aspire to become.

Some people will tell you to “not care about what anyone thinks,” but that’s impossible. There are certain people we value, and we should care how they see us.

If someone we truly appreciate and look up to gives us some criticism, then maybe it’s worth looking at.

Otherwise, assume that when someone criticizes you, they are projecting what they appreciate or value onto you. What you appreciate and value is probably not the same. So why does it matter if they like you or not?

Think of it this way: if you try to act more like Joe because Joe calls you stupid, you're just trying to turn yourself into a person named Joe who calls other people stupid. And because a lot of people might want to avoid Joe, you're missing out on all the people who would be attracted to you because you're... you, and not Joe.

Social anxiety often causes us to hyperfocus on ourselves. So the best way to combat it? Start putting more focus on others.

Rather than thinking of clever things you can say or how to respond to the other person, start becoming curious about the people around you.

Even the most mundane-seeming people have remarkable stories. People have so many secrets and ideas and opinions, and interests. It can be super rewarding to peel back the layers and learn more about those around you.

So start asking questions. Start getting curious. Notice what topics make people light up. Get them to tell you stories. Immerse yourself in their heads.

Here are a couple of extra tips that may help:

• Assume the other person is more nervous than you are.

• Realize you’re not being graded on how well you interact with others, so focus on having fun rather than performing.

• If you struggle to make conversation or talk to certain people, view it as a compatibility issue rather than blaming yourself.

• Don’t be afraid to be playful. Teasing isn’t always a bad thing (in my case, bullying can be a love language).

Shyness and social anxiety can feel debilitating. It can make you feel isolated and like a stranger amongst even the company of friends. It can be a journey to overcome, but it is possible.

Your journey starts by you embracing your anxiety, realizing it's only a symptom and not who you are.

Then, it continues as you start to realize how interesting and valuable your companionship is.

Finally, you will make incredible progress when you put your heart and attention into the people surrounding you. Valuing them and what they have to offer can simultaneously allow you to offer yourself that same kindness and attention.

Remember: you are important, and the world longs to hear your story.