The year is 2015, and I am feeling angsty.
I recently read one of my diaries from Grade 8 and I was surprised by how funny it was. My observations, thoughts, and internal dialogue created a really... "raw" look at what it is like to be in middle school. Below are some of the funniest entries from the diary, real and unedited. I hope you enjoy a look into the mind of my 14-year-old self.
November 14th, 2015
Whoever is reading this, a warm welcome despite the fact I would prefer you not to read this, as it is exceptionally personal in all aspects. Still, the idea of someone hearing all my personal thoughts and afflictions is almost relieving and soothing despite being overwhelming. I have always wished to be understood, but a lot of the time I am not. Whoever reads this, however, would understand me in a way impossible otherwise. But be warned - this may not always be a good thing.
For I am not an open person. And I hate to be invaded. This is my space. And you may just want to know me from how you see me and not how I see myself. Because a change in perspective will change everything.
November 15th, 2015
I'm going to describe my dream boy. I sometimes pretend he is real. He is sweet and honest and handsome. He is musically talented and sexy and smart. He is talkative yet not super talkative, with soft hands and a warm heart. He loves Muse and Zelda and reading. He'd do anything for me, he is commited, and he respects me. He is incredibly polite but he is also extremely funny and loves to tease. He doesn't swear too much or not at all. He's full of life and he's always smiling. He's a fantastic dancer. He doesn't mind making the first move. He is very honest.
He's not real, of course. But I know that one day I will find him. He may not fit all the descriptions above, but he will we perfect for me.
November 16th, 2015
Today Ethan sat with my friend Kajal and I.
"Guys like girls with big boobs, a big butt, and a nice face. It's all they really care about. It's all about the boobs, butt, and face." He grinned.
Fantastic. I'm pleased to know how superficial men are.
Tip #1: You should like people for who they are inside, because that is the only part of a human that will never perish, no matter how much they age or whether they get all their skin burned off.
First tip from me. I hope you remember it.
What is it with boys these days anyways? So immature. It's sort of sad, really. They think they're so marvellous and attractive when they act like five year olds, but the only thing they attract when they do that is my annoyance.
November 17th, 2015
Tip #2: Be nice, confident, and funny and life will be great.
Y'know what I love?
Being happy. I always try to be happy even when I'm sad.
Kajal thinks I'm crazy, that's how happy I am.
I'm soooo tired. It's allready 11 pm. Good night.
November 21st, 2015
Tonight we watched Fried Green Tomatoes, which was an amazing movie, just superb. It got me wondering about storytelling and the impact I leave on this world and age and legacy and all this stuff.
When I'm a 90 year old lady, what stories will I tell?
What will I remember?
What will I store in my long-term memory?
Every single day I start to feel a little nostalgic, just thinking about the past and how long ago everything feels. Things that happened 3 months ago feel like centuries ago. Last year's memories are slowly fading. What shoes did I wear? What did I think?
Thank goodness I wrote the important things in my diaries. When I grow up I think my diaries will be so important to me, a way I can easily transport to the days of youth.
Sometimes I wish to be older, to be married, maybe, too, just so I can feel what romantic, passionate, unconditional love from a partner feels like.
I also wish to see into the future and see who I'm married to, just so I know there's a hope and I should stop worrying about what all these stupid boys in Grade 8 think of me.
You know what? I just realized how terrible ordinary these diaries are. You aren't going to find a news headline that says "AMAZING DIARIES DOCUMENT LIFE OF TEENAGE GIRL." Because these diaries aren't exciting. They're angsty and superficial.
I need to do something amazing when I grow up. Something that changes the world. If I do that, these journals will be so much more extraordinary.
November 26th, 2015
Rules of Ranting: Hold nothing back.
That is the ONLY rule!
This rant is going to be about the guy I currently have a crush on, and his idiotic behaviour.
Look, when you only answer questions and never ask your own, you're going to have a horrible conversation and life is really going to go nowhere. And don't think I'm staring at you because you were staring at me first, so just stop.
When someone says "thank you" say "you're welcome" instead of standing there like a speechless goat.
And can you just loosen up and act normal? I don't bite, you paranoid little radioactive bug. You don't have to act all creepy.
And why the bloody hell do you care whether I'm physical in basketball? Why the hell is that the news of the century?
Next up, can you smile more when I'm around? You look like you're at a funeral whenever I'm near you. I don't give a shit if you dislike me or whatever the frick it is, but honestly, your seriousness scares me.
I know you're so full of yourself that you still think that I think you're irresistible, but can you just give up already? You may be attractive, but I need a man with social skills, no offence to you.
And maybe you think I'm the socially awkward one, but it's just because every conversation we've had with each other has been as boring as hell. So maybe come up with a good idea for a conversation other than your volleyball game or a scrape on your elbow, and I'll actually say more.
November 28th, 2015
This weekend I told my mom I wanted to start a band. I really do. Some crazy freak weirdo movement band with bitter songs about our opinions and moving lyrics and groovy melodies and also heartfelt love ballads.
I actually want to learn guitar, maybe. An electric crazy one like Matt Bellamy. I'd play loud and proud.
Anyways...
School's tomorrow! Can't wait till basketball... so I can beat Aidan's ass! Bwahahahah!
I'm actually a very nice girl at heart. I just get extremely competitive in pursuits of every kind.
November 30th, 2015
Today was the shittiest day of my life. I am just gonna hide in my room forever with my Feeling Sad playlist on repeat.
I'm so tired of Mr. B (Author's Note: My Humanities teacher). He is a tyrant, an authoritarian that abuses his power. Everyone agrees he picks favourites. He also has kids in his class he can't stand, e.g. Sophie Holoboff, obviously a failure in everything she does.
So today for like 2 periods we were working on this persona crap. I seriously couldn't care less. I know we talk about apathy and all that, but honestly. This empathy project sucks.
Anyways, me and everyone at my table were goofing off. But was it my fault? No. We all played a part in distracting each other.
But of course, Mr. B just didn't want to have to talk to a whole group of people. He wanted to pick one student to focus all his anger on. So who did he choose? His least favourite student, Sophie Holoboff, because it would be a shame to yell at anyone better than her.
So after class (after a cheerful goodbye to everyone else who was sitting at my table), Mr. B tells me to wait. I immediately knew I was in for it.
So the room empties out and he tells me to sit down at his desk. Then he gives me this whole BS speech about how I'm always "off-task" and if someone "put a gun to his head right now and asked if I was a good student" he would say "no".
Just die, Mr. B.
Sorry, that was uncalled for.
December 2nd, 2015
I burned my lip yesterday with my curling iron and it doesn't look good at all. At the very least I wish it would have made me look tough, but no, I look like I drooled down my chin. Everyone asks me about it and I have to tell the story over and over again. And every time they say the same thing - "Were you trying to curl your lip? HAHAHAHHAHA."
Whatever. I can't explain how I managed to do it either.
My mom is also extremely cranky right now, yelling at me like she's Gordon Ramsay.
"CLEAN THIS UP, SOPHIE. CLEAN THIS UP."
Tomorrow I'm going to be so painfully nice it will frighten people.
I don't know why. It's just that I feel like being different.
Later that Night, December 2nd, 2015
Ugh. my mom still hasn't come to say goodnight and it saddens me.
I love her!
I'm sorry Mum.
I love you even when you're cranky.
December 5th, 2015
Did I tell you Mr. B replied to the email I sent him? For the next project, I no longer have to make visuals.
He also said I'm a good student, I just distract other kids too much.
So true.
December 7th, 2015
Well, today was somewhat okay. DESPITE THE FACT THE GUY I HAVE A CRUSH ON IS A PIECE OF SHIT! I literally have to clench my teeth to keep from lashing out at him and strangling him to death.
Apparently he's "terrified of me" because he thinks I'm obsessed over him. He literally talks about it all the time, apparently.
Can he just get over himself for one moment of his life?
Everyone refers to him as "Hotlegs" now (my old nickname for him). Everyone does. It's humiliating.
Maybe I'll just phone him and rant to him about what a lousy a-hole he is.
Ugh, it makes me so mad!
That's it. I'm writing him a letter:
Get over yourself. I don't like you, so can you just stop? Get a life. Just... get a life.
-SH
Here's another one:
I liked you a long time ago, about ELEVEN MONTHS AGO. Everyone tells me that you think I still like you. Oh wow, is it THAT OBVIOUS???!! (Hint the sarcasm) You have the personality of Mr. B's ass. Get over yourself. Liking you is like liking dog crap. Sorry. That was harsh. Anyways, I'd appreciate it if you just stopped talking about me and saying you're terrified of me because I'm apparently "obsessed" over you. OK? JUST STOP!
-SH
Or I could keep it real short:
DON'T YOU GET IT? I DON'T LIKE YOU AND I'M NOT EFFING "OBSESSED" OVER YOU. GET A LIFE.
-SH
Shit. I'm writing about this so much, it's almost as if I am obsessed over him.
I don't like him, though. Not anymore.
I just want to beat him up now.
BWAHAHAHAH.
Tomorrow I'm going to look cool. I'll scare the shit out of him as soon as I arrive. I'll punch the happiness out of him.
Just kidding. Making violent threats to your ex-crush in a journal is pretty much the definition of LOSER.
Scratch journal - this is a freaking DIARY. Like I'm a 9 year old writing about magical fairies or something.
I really am a loser.
For some reason I almost started crying. I don't even know why.
I'm so young and stupid.
December 9th, 2015
These journals have become my life. Every little secret is bled out onto these pages. That's why it would be TERRIBLE if anyone got their hands on them!
Abby told me today that everyone likes me and that I'm friends with "everyone", from all kinds of different cliques. I was just like, "What?!?!" Because I didn't feel that way at all.
Some days I feel like everyone hates me!
Of course, that isn't true.
I hope.
I wonder what will happen in the future. I mean, doesn't everyone? But let me say it this way - does what I do today actually affect my future? Yes. Every thing I do, big or small, affects my future. And it's really scary when you think about it that way.
Because I have the power to do anything, if only I put my mind to it.
I love myself. I honestly do.
All you need is yourself, people!
And everyone else.
Haha.
Anyways. This weird little journal has almost come to an end.
Sophie (myself), good luck with your future. May only good things come to you, and may you live a life of peace and happiness.
Goodbye now.
I'll miss you.
Till next time.
Love ya.
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