Why this widespread belief is damaging to our well-being, our friendships, and romance itself.
Have you ever questioned why Valentine's Day is much more known and celebrated than National Friendship Day? And have you wondered why Valentine's Day is always portrayed so negatively for singles?
I mean, just search "single on Valentine's Day" online and discover article upon article of What To Do When You're Single on Valentine's Day, or How to Get Through Valentine's Day if You're Super Single.
But it's not like single people aren't used to being made to feel excluded or sad because they're single. I mean, that's just part of living in our society. But why?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with romantic love—being in a monogamous, genuine relationship with someone and experiencing what comes with that.
Yet I think there might be something toxic at play with how the world looks down upon singledom while emphasizing the all-around importance of finding the “one,” which simultaneously disvalues all other relationships outside of a romantic context.
I’ve had this “off” feeling for a long time, so I wanted to research if anyone else felt the way I did. Apparently, there are a lot of people who’ve had the same thought.
Yup, there's a fancy word for it.
“Amatonormativity.” Super wordy, but coined by Dr. Elizabeth Brake, philosophy professor at the University of Rice.
According to Brake, amatonormativity is the widespread assumption that “everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship, and that everyone is seeking such a relationship.”
Brake explains that when we assume this, we overlook the value of other caring relationships. It also leads us to assume that everyone is the same way—ignoring the existence of asexual and aromantic people (who may not be interested in relationships or sexual encounters) or people who are just happy being single.
Brake perfectly sums up my personal biggest problem with this cultural ideal, which is that amatonormativity “prompts the sacrifice of other relationships to romantic love and marriage and relegates friendship and solitudinousness to cultural invisibility.”
I didn’t even know solitudiousness was a word until I read this quote. But it made something clear to me—the world is built around romantic relationships, causing us to disvalue the beauty of friendship or being single.
Let’s explore what I mean.
Singledom = pain and misery. Obviously.
I want you to look at the following statements and tell me how much you relate to them. If you’re single, just answer them based on your current life. If you’re in a relationship now, think back to when you were single.
How often...
Did others assume that you wanted to be in a relationship or that you were sad to be single? Maybe it’s your Great Uncle Jimmy saying, “Aren’t you lonely, not being in a relationship? Don’t you ever wish you had a girlfriend who could (insert random gender role here, e.g., cook your dinner or wash your old bedsheets)?” Or maybe people replied to hearing you’re single by saying, “Aw don’t worry, I’m sure there’s someone out there for you.”
Were you ·made to feel like you were missing out by not being in a relationship? There are so many movies and books out there that portray finding true love as the meaning of life. In fact, most of us have grown up our whole lives being exposed to the idea that attaining a “happily ever after” involves riding off into the sunset with our “true love”.
Did you, or were you made to feel as though your friendships weren’t important—like predeveloped, immature versions of “real” relationships? · Did you ever hang out with a member of the opposite sex (or preferred sex) and have someone ask you, “Yo, did he/she friendzone you?” Or, on the other hand, did you ever have someone ask you if there was anything between you and a close friend, and you replied by saying, “No, we’re just friends.” Both the negative connotation of “friend zone” and the phrase “just friends” makes it seem like friendship is meaningless, at least when compared to the concept of a relationship. The reason why we view friendship as second-rate relationships is due in part to our idealization of romantic relationships.
Felt desperation to enter a relationship, lest others think there is something wrong with you? This is particularly damaging for women. In one article titled The Bachelor and the Spinster: Does the Shame of Female Singlehood Still Exist?, Angela Low explains how many women feel pressure to get married and have children or else be deemed worthless. She explains how the word “spinster” is the official counterpart to “bachelor” and has many negative connotations to it—eventually becoming synonymous with the term “old maid.” For most of history, she explains, “Bachelors were eligible, suggesting a desirability akin to how cheese and wine get better with age, while spinsters were thought of as discardable goods. One was unshackled by matrimony, the other was stuck in shameful solitude. A woman’s youth was her currency, which meant that the older a woman got, the less likely she’ll be married based on public perception.” Our questioning of the singleness of women still persists to this day. In China, companies such as Hangzhou Songcheng Performance and Hangzhou Songcheng Tourism Management have even introduced “dating leave” for single women. They offer unmarried women over 30 an additional eight days over the Chinese New Year break for them to find a partner. If they get married, they are awarded twice their usual annual bonus. This is partly because single women in China in their late 20s and early 30s are deemed to be “shengnu” or leftover women. Although it’s more normalized in modern Western society to get married or have kids later in life, many women raised in certain religious, cultural or ideological backgrounds may still feel pressure to fulfill these traditional norms.
Friendship: the prepubescent relationship.
Now that we’ve explained how being single is treated within the confines of amatonormativity, let’s look at how we simultaneously degrade friendship in the process.
Psychologist and professor Marisa Franco, a friendship researcher, explains, “When we expect to do the most for our partners, for some reason, we often then accept doing somewhat less than for our friends.”
Think of the differences between hanging out with a friend and ‘date night’ or celebrating anniversaries for relationships but not for friendships.
In a blog post entitled Platonic love is just as important as romantic, student writer Zubia Hasan beautifully explains:
I find it so incredibly strange that platonic love is not considered to be ‘in love’ – it’s not considered an event, it’s not considered a life decision. There are no anniversaries for the date of my friendships… It’s like friendship is thought of as secondary, as an afterthought, as something that is not important.
We excuse the fact that when someone enters a relationship, they might drift away or spend less time with their friends. Why? Because romantic relationships are often seen as more important.
Although amatonormativity makes friendships disvalued and overlooked within society, another concept that makes friendship extra complex is a little fun concept called “heterosexism.”
Even though LGBTQ+ people exist (approximately one million in Canada), we still assume that “straight” is the default, and therefore most of society is built around this fact. It also leads people to believe that anyone who isn’t straight is atypical, abnormal, deviant, or “disordered” (the last is thanks to Sigmund Freud).
I know what you’re saying. I’m not gay! How does this affect me?
(Whoa. That was heterosexist of me to assume you were straight.)
Well, somehow, this concept complicates both our same-sex and other-sex relationships! Because we assume everyone is straight, it’s often difficult for men and women to be friends without sexual or romantic overtones or assumptions.
Yet, at the same time, it complicates the relationships within those who share the same sex as us—platonic friendships might become awkward if there’s too much “intimacy.”
According to Professor Marisa Franco, back in the day when marriages were a business decision, friendships were seen as the place where people experienced the “most emotional intimacy— hugging, holding hands, sharing beds, writing love letters.”
But then she explains how Richard von Krafft-Ebing and our favourite man ever, Sigmund Freud, decided to argue that homosexuality was a disorder.
Suddenly, it was customary to avoid any behaviour that might deem you a homosexual—lest you seem disordered! This limited the emotional intimacy experienced within friendships, and many people still struggle with this internalized fear.
Yup! We might be seen as gay (GASP!) if we talk to our same-sex friends about our deep emotions or share platonic physical affection, like hugs or cuddling.
Although this is partly due to heterosexism, it also goes back to the fact that amatonormativity associates the ideas of love, intimacy, and affection almost entirely with romance. We often are told we should treat our partners differently than our friends regarding time, effort, affection, and value.
Also... If romance is idealized and placed at the top of the hierarchy... so is our partner. And this isn't always healthy.
The devaluation of friendships and the pressure to be in a relationship also cause some adverse effects on relationships themselves.
First off, due to the way romance and relationships are often portrayed as something that will “complete us” or will be “everything” to us puts extreme pressure on our partners.
Our partner is supposed to be our best friend. Our cheerleader. The person who looks after us when we’re sick. The person we live with. The person who gives us emotional support. They're essentially supposed to fulfill all our needs: emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, metaphysical, musical... (You never know what your needs might be. Sometimes you need someone to sing to you, alright?)
These beliefs about relationships can cause people to have extremely high expectations. This can make relationships difficult to navigate or maintain.
Also, it can be harmful. Centring our life around any one person is not healthy. We can't expect our partner to always be there for us, always understand what we're going through, always be able to relate to us or offer us support, or always be able to take care of us.
Yet we can't ignore the fact that, as humans, we are social animals that are hard-wired for connection. We crave connection with people and need it as much as we need food (don't believe me? According to the CDC, social isolation significantly increases a person's risk of premature death from all causes, a risk that may rival those of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity. It's also associated with about a 50% increased risk of dementia).
So friendship is important, and I'd argue just as important (WHAT! HOW DARE YOU!) as romantic relationships. Suppose we really want to fulfill all our social needs (and it's a literal need, according to the above stats). In that case, it's important that we don't just put all the pressure on one person to fulfill that need.
Relationship Hierarchy… and Relationship Anarchy
Because of amatonormativity, we also have created what is called a “relationship hierarchy”—the idea that certain relationships should be more prioritized or valued than others.
At the top of that pyramid sits romantic relationships.
The concept of “relationship anarchy” was coined by Andie Nordgren and “questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple.”
Although “relationship anarchy” sounds super cynical and anti-romance, it’s not. I wish there were a better term for it. I think it’s a very helpful practice and a super intriguing idea.
At its core, relationship anarchy is about valuing different kinds of relationships similarly. It’s about creating more equality in time, commitment, and value across your relationships and challenging how society has structured relationships for us.
Although you may not want to become a full “relationship anarchist” and have all your relationships be completely equal, consider how you treat your friends and romantic relationships differently.
I leave you with this question from the book Rewriting the Rules by Meg-John Barker:
What if we can treat our friends like romantic relationships and our romantic relationships like our friends? How would they be different? How can we incorporate this into the rest of our lives with all our other relationships?
Conclusions, and Advice for the Future.
There's nothing wrong with prioritizing or enjoying romantic love. However, there is something wrong with a culture that assumes this is the norm and that any differentiation from that is selfish, deviant, or abnormal.
This article isn't necessarily here to give anyone advice on what you should do within your life, but more so to give you something to think about and challenge the way you may have previously viewed relationships.
Being in a monogamous relationship is a personal preference rather than a universal and innate human need. Look at the dozens of the many people who choose singledom, raise kids with their friends or siblings rather than their significant others, or embrace polyamory. You might be thinking, I could never do that. Yet those very same people might look at romantic relationships and be thinking the same thing!
The point is we're all wired very differently. So any cultural norm that claims to be universal and brings shame to people who fall outside of its box is toxic and deserves to be brought to light.
What are your thoughts? Let me know in the comments below.