And other questions about the green-eyed beast.
Nobody ever considers jealousy to be a "nice" emotion. It comes combined with rage, anxiety, and paranoia. It makes us act in ways we usually don't. Maybe we plot revenge. Maybe we feel self-resentment. Perhaps we become controlling or possessive.
Why do we feel jealous? Is it ever positive for a relationship? How do we stop feeling jealous? And what does it mean if we never feel jealous?
"Wait... is being jealous the same thing as feeling envious?"
In the book Atlas of the Heart by research professor Brené Brown, she distinguishes between envy and jealousy. These two words have become synonymous with one another over time. Still, according to Brown, "there seems to be a consensus that these are two significantly different emotions."
She agrees that the primary definition of envy is something that "occurs when we want something that another person has."
On the other hand, jealousy "is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have."
The researchers Richard H. Smith and Sung Hee Kim have distinguished that envy is typically a feeling that involves two people, occurring when someone lacks something that someone else has. On the other hand, jealousy typically involves three people and occurs when one fears losing someone to another person.
"Is jealousy universally considered an emotion?"
In Atlas of the Heart, Brown also reveals how research has shown that jealousy doesn't seem to be a "singular emotion, but rather a cognitive evaluation in response to feeling anger, sadness, and/or fear. In other words, we think jealousy in response to how we feel."
Similarly, in an empirical review of multiple studies on jealousy, James H. Hepburn explained how many leading researchers on emotion argue that jealousy is not an emotion. "[It is] an amalgamation of fluctuating feelings of anger, sadness, or disgust," Hepburn states.
However, he goes on to clarify that psychologists usually classify it as a social emotion, in the same class as shame, embarrassment and envy.
Therefore, it's still unclear whether jealousy is a "true" emotion or if it is just our reaction to other emotions.
"Is jealousy bad for relationships?"
Hepburn's research concluded that jealousy "is neither desired nor essential for healthy relationships." Yet, it is nevertheless a "common, even ubiquitous response."
Similarly, a meta-analysis by Melissa Ann Newberry from the University of North Florida clarified a negative relationship between jealousy and relationship quality.
This research suggests that jealousy is linked to lower relationship quality, feelings of mistrust or control from the non-jealous partner, and the potential to lead to violence and abusive relationships.
However, this relationship is relatively small and can vary depending on the reason and type of jealousy expressed.
"Is there anything positive about jealousy?"
"Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the flavour, but too much can spoil the pleasure, and under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening."
-Maya Angelou
According to Psychology Today, "jealousy is necessary because it preserves social bonds."
When jealousy is unwarranted, it can lead to many adverse effects. But, like all emotions, it can be an important signal. It can help indicate that a relationship has value, or it may show that two people are beginning to drift apart.
A little bit of jealousy can be okay for a relationship, at least when it's dealt with healthily.
"What do I do if I have a reason to be jealous?"
If your partner disregards your feelings or needs and gives you reasons to feel skeptical, hurt, or neglected, the first step is to talk to them about it.
Communication in these situations often goes under-appreciated. People might think being open about their worries or thoughts will make them weak or vulnerable. However, vulnerability is essential in relationships and can strengthen a relationship.
Tell your partner how you feel: admit that you need their reassurance or you need them to address your feelings.
If your partner disregards your needs or refuses to communicate correctly, it's time to question the strength of your bond and if it is worth it to be in a relationship that causes you stress or unhappiness.
Why stay in something that isn't serving you?
"I'm always jealous and anxious about my relationship, even when my partner gives me no reason to feel this way. What should I do?"
First off, you may have an anxious relationship attachment style. If you're unfamiliar with attachment styles, I highly recommend taking this quiz and seeing what you learn about yourself.
The anxious attachment style is the most likely to need reassurance and affection and might have underlying fears of being abandoned or hurt. According to attachmentproject.com:
"People with the anxious attachment style often internalize what they perceive to be a lack of affection and intimacy as not being “worthy of love,” and they intensely fear rejection as a result. In an attempt to avoid abandonment, an anxious attacher may become clingy, hypervigilant, and jealous in a relationship. They are often overwhelmed by the fear of being alone, so they do whatever they can to hold on to their relationship. Someone with an anxious attachment style sees their partner as the remedy to their strong emotional needs."
An anxious attachment style can lead to intense feelings of jealousy or anxiety within a relationship. The first step is recognizing that this may describe you and learning to communicate with your partner.
Things like, "hey, _________ made me feel anxious. Do you mind giving me some reassurance about our relationship?" can help heal a relationship and help the other person understand how you're feeling. If your partner cares for you, it won't be a huge deal for them to give you extra reassurance and affection when you feel insecure or worried. More likely, they will be happy they don't have to mind-read.
"Is there anything wrong with going through my partner's phone or controlling their social life?"
Manipulating a situation like this is a temporary fix to the underlying insecurities or lack of trust in a relationship. Nothing is solved by controlling your partner's actions, looking through their messages, or becoming suspicious of seemingly insignificant or platonic interactions. It's simply a way of convincing yourself you have control in a situation where you're afraid to face reality.
Think of someone slowly going into debt but continuing to spend money the same way. It might make them feel like everything's okay, but it will not solve the underlying problem.
Something has to be changed. Is it you and your ability to trust? Is it the relationship and your partner's lack of reassurance or faithfulness? Communication is in order, and if that doesn't work, look at the bigger picture: is it worth it to remain in a relationship where you can never truly feel at peace without micromanaging the situation?
If the problem isn't the relationship and stems from your trust issues, realize it is unfair to make this your partner's problem. Being healthy and emotionally intelligent means recognizing your setbacks or unhealthy behavioural patterns. It also means learning that being controlling or possessive can be extremely emotionally draining for your partner.
Recognizing this will allow you to seek help.
"How do I become less jealous?"
An essential facet of dealing with jealousy is depersonalizing yourself from your partner's actions.
This means two things:
What your partner decides to do is not a reflection of you or your worth.
It's not solely up to you to save your relationship from external threats - it's also your partner's responsibility.
Jealousy often indicates that part of you doesn't believe the above two truths. Perhaps you feel like their taking interest or getting close to others is indicative that you're not good enough - jealousy often stems from insecurity.
Another place that jealousy comes from is the belief that it is your job to "protect" a relationship from external threats. However, this completely disregards the agency of your partner to make decisions themselves. This is indicative that jealousy can also stem from a place of distrust.
Developing more trust with your partner can allow you to shake off the feeling that you must be protective of your relationship. It can also let you be unthreatened by other people getting close to your partner, knowing that your partner won't entertain them because your relationship means so much more to them than that.
In addition, realizing that you have so much to offer and that there are many reasons why your partner is choosing to date you can help you to keep peace of mind. You can look at other people surrounding your partner and think, "Yes, they may be fun, entertaining, and beautiful, but that doesn't make me any less fun and entertaining and beautiful."
In conclusion, the best way to shake the habit of getting jealous is to find ways to develop trust with your partner and realize it's not only your job to protect your relationship.
The following journal entry describes an anecdote I came up with to describe the problem of jealousy and why it isn't necessary for a relationship:
Being in a relationship is a choice that two people make, and it isn't something to be taken for granted. I see it like you're holding seeds for a bird, and then one comes and lands in your hand. You love it so much and think it's beautiful.
You could start squeezing the bird in your hand out of fear that it will leave you and fly into someone else's palm. But ironically, this isn't going to make the bird want to stay with you.
You can still appreciate and love the bird without putting it in a cage. You realize that the bird is capable of making its own decisions, of flying away, but then you can remind yourself that your hand is warm, that the seeds you're feeding it are the best, and so it will have every reason to come back to you if it does fly off for a little bit.
You trust the bird to return to your hand. And therefore, by doing that, you also give the bird every reason to return. It's not being coddled or stifled or protected. It's being given the free will to come to and from your hand.
This makes its entrance into your hand even more meaningful because it shows how its choice to enter your hand is just that - a choice. Out of all the hands in the world it could land in, it has chosen yours. And not because it is being coddled or stopped from leaving. It is landing there simply because it wants to be there.
"Well, it's not that I don't trust my partner. It's that I don't trust other people."
Yet your partner can actively decide whether to entertain other people. Other people's inability to understand boundaries becomes insignificant if your partner can put up the boundaries themselves.
Consider talking to your partner about boundaries with other people you want to put up. When do you feel like your partner disregards your trust? Everyone has different thresholds of what makes them feel jealous or hurt.
Knowing that your partner has a plan in place for when someone tries to step over the boundary or threaten your relationship can also give you peace of mind, knowing that the power lies not in the hands of people threatening your relationship but in the hands of the people choosing to be in the relationship.
"I don't feel jealousy at all. Does this mean I don't care about my relationship?"
As we've learned, jealousy doesn't derive from feelings of love. It comes from the fear of losing something that you have.
That fear can be triggered when we think there is an actual threat to our relationship. To not feel it means that:
You trust your partner enough to know that it is improbable your relationship will become threatened.
You believe you are offering enough to your relationship and partner that they have no reason to seek attention elsewhere.
Some people may claim their partner's jealousy makes them feel cared for or protected. Some people may even go as far as to manipulate situations to make their partner jealous, for them to display that feeling and remind them they are worth "fighting for."
Who would want their partner to feel something as negative as jealousy? Everyone agrees that nobody wants to feel jealous, so taking steps so that both you and your partner can avoid it is probably a more admirable thing to do. Right?
As we've shown, jealousy is not evidence of how much you love or care about your partner. Squeezing the bird when it enters your hand doesn't mean you love that bird more than someone who lets it sit peacefully.
It's possible to love someone without feeling jealousy. According to relationship therapist Yana Tallon-Hicks:
"There’s absolutely nothing bad, wrong, or heartless about your personal lack of jealous feelings. Jealousy is frequently (though incorrectly) taken as a sign that our partners must really, truly like us because they’re so afraid of losing us that they are jealous of any and all perceived threats to our relationship!
However, jealousy is usually an emotion that’s triggered by someone else’s actions or experiences — not caused by them. Jealousy is usually actually about something happening internally within us. It’s not very kind of your partner to want you to feel such an icky feeling though it sounds to me like this is more a case of their misdirected desire to have you give them some kind of affirmation or assurance — they just weren’t able to identify or ask for it very well."
If your partner is more jealous than you, consider that what they may need is extra reassurance and care that the relationship matters as much to you as it does to them. Rather than viewing their jealousy as a problem that needs to be fixed - and without taking on the full responsibility of dealing with their emotions - find ways to give them that extra comfort and care.
Jealousy is a normal emotion (or response to emotions, depending on your view) that can lead to us acting in healthy or unhealthy ways depending on how we respond to it.
It's up to everyone to find positive ways of dealing with their jealousy and not putting that full responsibility on their partner.
In conclusion, don't feel bad that you're jealous. Instead...
Look for ways to change your inner dialogue about yourself and the relationship.
Communicate with your partner and establish mutual boundaries that you both agree to maintain with others.
Tell your partner that you need more reassurance.
Find ways to build your self-esteem if your jealousy comes from a place of insecurity.
Work on establishing trust with your partner if your jealousy comes from a place of doubt or suspicion.
Although jealousy is a normal emotion that we've (most likely) all experienced at one point or another, we need to change the dialogue about jealousy and stop viewing it as "romantic" or a symbol of love.
The most romantic thing we can do is love our partners enough to believe that they're good people, that they will do the right thing if the time comes, and that their choice to stay in a relationship is more indicative of love than if we were to control that decision.
So don't focus on the fact your bird could fly away. Focus on the beautiful miracle that is sitting happily in your palm.
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