How to rise above your perfectionistic tendencies, and allow yourself to be morally flawed.
Many people who deal with moral perfectionism ask themselves, "Am I a good person?" over and over again. However, for them, "good" is usually, unconsciously, substituted for the word "perfect".
This is a quote from my 2020 article "Understanding Moral Perfectionism." In it, I addressed the concept of "moral perfectionism", a type of perfectionism defined by a strong, persistent need to be a "good" person.
That article has since become the most popular one on my blog, and it is now clear to me just how far-reaching moral perfectionism can be.
Two years later, I feel as though moral perfectionism is still a concept that needs to be properly addressed. My article did its best to illustrate what moral perfectionism was, but there were no takeaways for how to confront this obsessive and dangerous type of perfectionism.
In this article, I want to make it clear: what is moral perfectionism? What are the impacts? What are some sub-features of moral perfectionism I did not address in my previous article? If you struggle with moral perfectionism, I want to provide you with takeaways and real solutions in dealing with it.
So... What is Moral Perfectionism?
People who struggle with moral perfectionism will...
Beat themselves up for thinking badly of a friend
Feel guilty or ashamed for not "doing enough" for friends/family/or their job (but no matter how much they do, it will never feel like they've done quite enough)
Worry about whether others view them as someone virtuous or objectively "good"
Tell themselves they are a "bad", "dirty", "immoral", or "terrible" person if they make a mistake
Question whether they've upset the people around them somehow
Constantly feel like they're "on guard", worrying about doing something "wrong"
Feel as though they can't enjoy life because they are constantly worrying about being and looking like a "good" person.
Note how I put "good" in quotations. As I mentioned, "good" can usually be substituted for "perfect". No matter how much they are liked by those around them, no matter how much they beat themselves up over the mistakes they make, and no matter how objectively "good" they are, those who struggle with moral perfectionism will always feel like they are bad people. Slowly and surely, their self-esteem is eaten away.
This is why I call moral perfectionism "dangerous". Like other types of perfectionism, it is a voice that tells you that you will never be enough. But rather than being driven by the need to be/look successful, or have lots of achievements, or have the perfect "home" or "body", moral perfectionism revolves around the idea of having perfect "morals" and "behaviour."
Confronting the Concept of "Good"
One way you can confront your moral perfectionism is confronting your concept of "good". One way to do this is to ask yourself specific questions to challenge the voice of moral perfectionism:
What does it actually mean to be a "good human"?
Is there anyone you know who is completely "good" across the board?
Do you allow others more room to be flawed than you allow yourself?
If someone made the same mistakes that you do, would you immediately label them as a "bad person" as well?
Do you think it is possible for good people to do bad things? Do you think it is possible for bad people to do good things?
Consider talking to or researching people who you idolize. De-robe your concept of saintliness. Nobody, no human, is all-around "perfect" or "good". This concept is simple and most of us can agree with it. But those who struggle with moral perfectionism may see this and think: "Sure, no human is all around good, but I can be, if only I tried harder."
So ask yourself this:
What would happen if you stopped trying so hard to be "good"?
Would you lose all your friends if you were open about your mistakes? Would people label you a "bad person" if you revealed you struggle with thinking you're a bad person?
Self-reflection is key for fighting your moral perfectionism.
Moral Perfectionism & People Pleasing
Sometimes, moral perfectionism can lead to people pleasing. The drive to be seen, and to be, a good person can result in you wanting to make those around you happy and content with you - at the expense of your own needs and wellbeing.
No one can control how others see them. But someone who struggles with moral perfectionism believes they can.
Examples of people pleasing can include...
Not sharing your true opinion in case it hurts someone's feelings or causes an argument
Not speaking up for yourself in cases of injustice or cruelty
Saying "yes" to things even when you don't want to do them, just because you don't want the person to be upset
"Pushing down" your emotions or not being open about how you feel because you don't want to be "too much" for those around you
People-pleasing behaviours usually comes from a place of low self-esteem. This is because those who exhibit these behaviours typically think, Why are my interests more important than theirs? Why shouldn't I push my own desires or needs down in favour of others?
Those with people-pleasing behaviours struggle with boundaries. They think that saying yes to everything and "letting people walk over them", so to speak, will allow them to be better liked. Meanwhile, their resentment for those around them will build as they begin to feel used and taken for granted.
People who exhibit these behaviours aren't "more liked". You don't have to agree with everything others say or morph yourself into your idea of the "perfect friend" to be loved. You are allowed to be flawed, and you are allowed to be clear about your boundaries and needs.
As someone's self-esteem grows, they will realize that they need to worry less about what others think about them, and more about what they think about others. Those who have low self-esteem and people-pleasing tendencies will keep friends who treat them badly without questioning whether those people are "good friends".
Healing from these tendencies revolves around:
Allowing yourself to take up space, have opinions, and be honest with those around you
Realizing that allowing yourself to do these things will attract those who respect you, and repel those who want to use you or take you for granted
Believing you are worthy of being loved and heard for who you really are
Realizing that you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness
Rejecting these tendencies takes time and practice.
But: the easiest way is to just start. Next time you disagree, say so. If you don't share someone's opinion, speak up.
It will be hard at first, but you must remind yourself: "Keeping everyone around me isn't being 'good'. It is denying myself myself the right to live fully and freely. Everyone is responsible for their own emotions. I do not have to control how other people feel."
Allowing Yourself to Be Human
Sometimes moralistic tendencies come from a place of superiority. "Everyone else is selfish and a liar. Humans are full of themselves and manipulative. I am a good human because I am completely honest and selfless."
This seems fine at first. It is good to hold yourself to a high standard, to stay true to your values and morals. But there is a thin line between pushing yourself to stay true to your morals, and becoming obsessed with this idea of being a "good person".
I am going to say something controversial but true:
There is pleasure and growth to be had in giving yourself room to do "bad" things and make mistakes.
It doesn't make you better than anyone else to hold yourself to such a high moral standard you don't allow yourself to have bad thoughts about other people, hold negative opinions of others, or put yourself first.
I'm not saying you should lie or cheat, but allow yourself to be selfish. And if you do something immoral (which you inevitably will, because no one is a saint), allow yourself room to grow from it rather than beating yourself up.
Remember being human means experiencing a spectrum of emotions and being a plethora of different people and personalities at one time. Nobody is "one thing". You are sometimes selfish. You are sometimes annoying. You are sometimes rude. You sometimes talk too much, or don't notice when your friend is upset, or get angry and say something mean to your mother.
But you're also caring, and loving, and want the best for others.
Allow yourself to be a human. Stop fighting with yourself and rejecting every negative aspect and flaw to your personality.
You are more than what you do wrong.
The "Swing"
Dealing with moral perfectionism is extremely difficult. Stifling every aspect of yourself that doesn't fit with your idea of being a "good person" can make you feel like you're acting and performing in social situations. It is also just exhausting to keep up this façade, both to yourself and others.
Sometimes when someone struggles with perfectionism for a very long time, they reach a breaking point. This is the moment when they think, "being perfectionistic has gotten me nowhere. I might as well be the worst person possible, and make awful mistakes."
They may become impulsive: speeding, spending lots of money, making abrupt sexual choices, and yelling at those around them.
Think of yourself and your personality as a beautiful lake. Your "bad side" - the side of yourself you keep trying to repress because of your obsession with morality - can be represented by an ugly beach ball. You don't want people to see it, so you push it deep underneath the lake. But the further you push it down, the more intensely it will pop back up above the surface.
I call this the "swing". For people struggling with moral perfectionism (and people pleasing in general), this moment can often feel like something of a manic episode. It is the moment when your repressed negativity, rage, sadness, and lack of confidence finally emerge, and you are suddenly hit with the thought: I no longer care. I am going to do whatever I want.
I use this as an example of why striving for perfect morality, no matter how virtuous it may seem, will never allow you true "balance". Why?
It aims to shut out all negativity and problematic behaviours. But every human has negative emotions, and every human does bad things sometimes. Pushing it down is not allowing you to achieve balance. It will create an imbalance that will eventually emerge to the surface.
Real balance is simply allowing yourself to be flawed.
Ideas for Building Confidence
True confidence is not presenting yourself as a perfect human being, or believing that you are flawless.
This is why struggling with moral perfectionism is often a clear sign that you lack confidence in yourself. You think you are not good enough simply "as you are". You must consistently try to uphold an image of yourself that isn't even real. You are always trying to be better (which is an admirable trait), but you won't love yourself until you "become" your idea of better (but simultaneously, you are never good enough! Can you see why you are frustrated?)
If you were confident, you would know that you are allowed to be messy and flawed and awful, and still be loved (by others and by yourself)!
So here are some quick tips for boosting your confidence:
Be open about your flaws. A lot of confidence can come from allowing yourself to be vulnerable and admitting that you aren't perfect. Contrary to proper belief, being real about being flawed won't make people stop admiring you, or make them like you any less. Instead, it often has the opposite effect. It humanizes you and makes people trust you and will start to break down the shamefulness that you may feel about yourself.
Be grateful for your strengths. When we struggle with moral perfectionism, we are often so focused on everything we do wrong, we don't even notice what we are good at! Ask those around you what your strengths are, and start noticing the things that people admire about you. Allow yourself to bask in your successes, even the small ones.
Get in touch with what YOU like and enjoy. Sometimes when we are struggling with moral perfectionism and people pleasing, we spend a lot of time doing things to make others happy and start to lose a sense of what we really want. This can even result in losing your sense of having an opinion. As you start to deconstruct the perfectionistic headspace you created, you may notice you aren't actually living your life for yourself. Everything - from what you talk about to how you dress - might be done for the sake of others rather than for your own pleasure and interest! So start allowing yourself to experiment with what you enjoy, and do things because YOU want to. As you allow yourself the freedom to express yourself, your confidence will grow.
Messages for Your Inner Critic
You will never truly get rid of the voice in your head. Even though I no longer struggle with moral perfectionism, I am still sometimes critical of my own flaws and behaviours.
However, now, rather than taking that critical voice as the truth, I fight back. Here are some messages you can tell your inner critic if it begins acting up:
I am allowed to be a mess if I want to be. Please leave.
Yes, I may have (insert mistake here). However, I forgive myself for it. I am always growing, and making mistakes is part of that process.
I am not a rock, or a saint, or an angel. I am a human.
In conclusion, managing and rising about your moral perfectionism takes work and effort. It requires self-compassion and the ability to look objectively at yourself and others to realize that there is no such thing as being completely "good". Although it may feel like it is rewarding to hold yourself to an impeccably high moral standard, you are not doing yourself favours and instead are damaging your self-esteem.
Please let me know in the comments whether you relate to this article, and tell me your experience with moral perfectionism.
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