A conversation with my boyfriend about the intriguing story of our relationship and our thoughts on compatibility.
SH: Today, I am seated down with my boyfriend of almost nine months.
DM: You might as well just say nine months. We've known each other for a year or two. Well, we've been going out for a year.
SH: When did we first meet?
DM: Like 2018?
SH: No, like 2019! At our place of work.
DM: Wow, how romantic.
SH: I think we've talked about this, but you don't remember much from when we first met.
DM: No, do you remember?
SH: I remember when I went to see a movie with my Oma and my mom, and you were working the till. And you thought my last name was "Hobo-boff."
DM: I did not say that.
SH: Yes, you did. I have it written down in my diary.
DM: Not because it's written in your diary doesn't mean it's factual.
SH: Why would I lie to my own diary?
DM: So you came up to my till, and then I scanned your cast card -
SH: I didn't have a card because I had just started a couple of weeks before that. So I asked, "Can you just search me up by first and last name?"
DM: You wouldn't have known that you could do that if you were new.
SH: No. I did know that. Or maybe you were the one who was like, "oh, you don't have your cast card? Let me search you up by name."
DM: I wouldn't have said that. I'm not that helpful.
SH: (laughs) Okay, fine.
DM: No, okay. I probably did say that.
SH: You did. And you said my last name weird, but I was like "cool," and that was my first impression of you. So, yeah... And then we didn't talk for, like, two years.
DM: (laughs)
SH: And then, randomly, like last July, I made all the moves myself.
DM: I don't think that's how it worked.
SH: I asked you to take a personality test, and you were like, "This girl is so flirtatious, she asked me to take an enneagram test."
DM: No, no, no, no. That's not what happened.
SH: This is on the record.
DM: Okay, so this is the timeline: I met you, right? And I don't remember you too much. But you remember me. Let's put this on the record too. Apparently, I was super nice to you at work when [name redacted] was really mean to you.
SH: Yeah, the one shift at work where he almost made me cry, and then you said something. You were like, "Don't let him get to you." And I went home and I was like, D'Angelo is the nicest guy. And I also kept writing things like, D'Angelo has the nicest voice. I want him to record an audiobook and I want to listen to it. So that was before I even knew you very well. I would just write creepy things like that.
DM: And you said I had good style.
SH: Yeah, I remember when your whole family came to the theatre and everyone was talking about it.
DM: Everyone was not talking about it. That's too creepy.
SH: Everyone was like, "Did you see D'Angelo's family? They look like they are straight out of a magazine; they all look like models." And you were dressed so nice.
That's another thing I remember before we started talking. That moment, and then the audiobook thing, and then you being nice to me when my coworker yelled, and that was about it. Oh, and then when you had a heart in your hair.
DM: How would you remember that? It was when I was on night cleans.
SH: You were there once during the day.
DM: Just for two shifts.
SH: And I saw it.
DM: Okay, yeah. The heart in my hair. Were you happy?
SH: (laughs) Yes.
DM: I could've gotten the heart in my hair yesterday. But I didn't.
SH: Why not?
DM: Too playboy. I'm not a playboy anymore.
SH: You're such a changed man. You say "anymore" like you used to be a playboy.
DM: I was a playboy.
SH: Were you, though? Cuz what, you took a girl on a date?
DM: I took one girl. Yeah. For your blog - I only took out one girl, you. You were my first love. Yay.
SH: (laughs)
DM: Anyways, so that's how we met, it was very great.
SH: So yeah, last summer, then, I asked you to take a personality test, and we started talking on Facebook messenger. I was trying to analyze you and find out your result. And then I started kind of bullying you, and being like, "You're afraid to be a bad boy."
DM: Yeah, and based on what? Zero evidence.
SH: And then you proved it true.
DM: How did I prove it true?
SH: You're afraid to be a bad boy.
DM: I'll be a heartbreaker. Is that really what you want?
SH: Yeah, it is.
DM: I'm sure you don't.
SH: I'm sure I do. But being a bad boy isn't always about being a heartbreaker.
Anyways, so then I said, "Do you like blood?" or something because you said you were in nursing school, and you got really mad and were like, "Why would you say that?"
DM: I told you why I was in nursing.
SH: I remember you were defensive. I felt bad, so I sent you this apology, and you were like, "It's not that serious." So then I made you take a love languages test, and you were like, "Why are you doing this?"
You were like, "Are you trying to get me to be your friend or take you on a date or what?" And I was like, "Yes, to both."
DM: Yes to both. Yup.
SH: And then we went on a date. So that was how we met and started dating.
So, going over this, who do you think made the first move in this situation? Me?
DM: Well, you, because I probably wouldn't have talked to you otherwise.
SH: Probably. But it wasn't even really a "move." It was very natural because I wasn't actually intending to do anything.
DM: You were just intending to be my friend.
SH: Yeah, I was just being friendly. I really was.
DM: You were just being friendly. Okay. Yeah.
SH: Yeah. On the record, I was just being friendly.
DM: So then I made the first move. Because I said, "Do you wanna go on a date, or what?"
SH: Well, I thought you were cute, but I wasn't trying to actually flirt or pull any strings. I was just talking. So you made the first move since you asked me out.
DM: Okay, yeah. We'll go with that.
SH: What was our first date like?
DM: It was okay. It was pretty good, not so bad. We went to the Crescent Heights lookout. And the Peace Bridge.
SH: Yes. And we had conversations.
DM: And we walked. Had Peters.
SH: And then you had to work, and I was going to meet up with Ainsley after she was off, so I said, "Just take me with you to work." But then I was at your house since you had to pick up your uniform.
DM: Yeah. You were just trying to come to my house.
SH: It was all a plan.
DM: I would've driven you right home.
SH: Yeah, but it was just easier just going with you.
DM: You had so much trust in me. Think about it.
SH: You had so much trust in me. I could've destroyed your house.
DM: No, you couldn't have.
SH: Yeah, I could have. How would you know? But I dunno. I immediately trusted you. There was never a point where I didn't trust you. You always came across as a nice man. I never was scared of you.
DM: That's good.
SH: So we went to your house. Your brother showed his record collection.
DM: He played fka Twigs. And then he went to work too.
SH: And then you went to work. That was our first date. DM: That was our first date.
SH: What were our first impressions of each other? Before we even went on that date, what kind of perception did you have of me?
I remember I was really surprised when you told me you didn't like going out all the time. And that you weren't a player, because you were talking in the theatre this one time with your friends, and you were like, "This is the girl that followed me on Instagram. She's really hot."
DM: I did not say that. I would never say something like that. I've never been like, "Look at this girl. She's so hot."
SH: Well, that's what I thought your conversation was like. So that's why I got the impression you were a playboy.
I also thought you were very outgoing because every time I talked to you at work, you were so good at conversating. Even when I didn't know you very well, you would ask me questions about my life. And I was like, Damn. You were so friendly, so I thought you must have a million friends and always be out.
Then I met you, and I was like, Wow, this guy is actually really introverted and has to be begged to leave the house.
DM: (laughs) What do you mean, "begged"?
SH: I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You just didn't like going out as much as I expected.
DM: What did I think of you?
I thought you were interesting and full of energy. I really did. Whenever I saw you - with you and Ainsley - you were so energetic. Every time at work. I never really saw your low energy. So I always thought you were happy and outgoing and energetic all the time.
SH: Has that impression changed?
DM: Yeah. You're not always energetic. Lots of times, you're not, actually. I'd say it's 50 - 50. Maybe it's just the way that you came to work.
SH: Yeah, my work persona was different. And so was yours.
Now that we've been dating for almost 9 months, what would you say the most important part of any relationship is?
DM: What kind of question is this?
SH: What do you mean, what kind of question is this?
DM: I thought this interview wouldn't be about giving people advice.
SH: Uhhhh, well, I guess, partially.
Personally, I think the most important part of a relationship is communication. You can handle a lot of things if you have good communication. Do you agree?
DM: I agree.
SH: That's pretty cliché, saying "communication is key."
DM: But it is important! It really is!
SH: Are there any other things?
DM: That are important? Um. Trust.
SH: Good, friendly banter.
DM: Good, friendly banter? Do you think that's important?
SH: Yes.
DM: You can have good, friendly banter with anybody.
SH: Yeah, but you can have good communication with anybody. You can have trust with anybody.
DM: That's not a fair argument.
SH: It is a fair argument. It makes sense. Anyways see? Aren't we bantering, like, right now? We are. And you know what? A relationship is not complete without banter.
DM: Really.
SH: What is the most difficult aspect of being in a relationship?
DM: The fact that you can't always understand what's going on in somebody else's head. You have to ask them. So it's kind of hard.
And making sure you're happy, yourself, and taking care of yourself before you're taking care of another person.
SH: And putting in effort.
DM: Effort! Yeah!
SH: Even when you're, like, tired or burnt-out from other things, still maintaining that same energy even when it's more difficult than usual. That can be hard.
DM: Yup. Effort. It's not so bad so far. I think everyone has different hard parts. For me, it was your texting and communicating thing at the beginning.
SH: Yeah. I was really bad at communicating.
DM: Not really bad in person. Just on text.
SH: No, in person, I'm fine. But I did not like texting for a long time.
DM: You didn't like texting, calling, nothing, bro. Nothing.
SH: I know, but... we had a conversation about it, and I got better. Over time.
DM: It was probably like a six-month process.
SH: Was it? I was good in, like, April.
DM: More like June.
SH: Okay, fine. Like a solid, five or six months. Okay. At least I got better every day.
DM: No, there were ups and downs. What are you talking about, every day you got better? Like everyday you sent an extra text? That's not what happened.
SH: Every day I got better, but some days I got worse. Yeah. Seems about right.
DM: Anyways, what about you? What was a hard thing for you?
SH: Probably, understanding how a relationship works, at the beginning. And putting in effort. And texting you.
DM: How it even works? You didn't even understand how one functions?
SH: Yeah, I literally didn't. I was like, What the hell is this?
DM: What was there to learn?
SH: I don't know! It was just mysterious. I was like, What are the rules? How much do I text you?
DM: There weren't any rules!
SH: Yeah, I know, but there were unspoken rules.
DM: What were the unspoken rules?
SH: That we are both communicating equally. Like, I couldn't just go a week without texting you. But somehow, I didn't really realize that. There were weeks back then when I wouldn't text anybody and I would just play Stardew Valley in my basement for a week straight without talking.
Then I got into a relationship and I was like, Oh. I can't do that. And I remember I had covid at some point, and I was barely texting you, and I'd keep agreeing to Facetime and then I would forget because I was busy doing other things, and then I was like, You can't do that if you're in a relationship. You have to show the other person you care.
Does that make sense?
DM: That was an unspoken rule?
SH: Okay, fine. It was just decency then. Just common sense.
DM: I don't really think that's a rule. I'm sorry. (laughs) It is just common sense.
SH: Maybe I was just lacking...
DM: That skill.
SH: Common sense.
DM: No, just that skill. The realization you have to understand the other person's perspective. Would you have liked it if I didn't text you for a week back in December?
SH: I probably wouldn't have noticed.
DM: Yeah. I know. So what was the point of us being in a relationship, then?
SH: See? Those were my thoughts back then. I had never been in a healthy, good relationship. So I didn't know what it could be like. I was like, what's the point? So until it got good, I had no idea why people got into relationships. So that's why I didn't really understand at the beginning. Does that make sense?
DM: It makes sense.
SH: What are some of the strengths we have in our relationship?
DM: Our communication.
SH: Yes. I agree.
DM: It's really good. For the most part. And... we're nice to each other.
SH: Yeah.
DM: For the most part.
SH: For the most part. Do you think we are compatible?
DM: Do you want to answer this one first?
SH: Yeah. I think we are compatible because we both have, like, different personalities, so it balances it out. You're more grounded. I'm more go-with-the-flow.
DM: I agree.
SH: You're very sensible. Hardworking. Detail-oriented. Organized. I'm disorganized.
DM: It works very well. You balance me out pretty well. I agree. We're pretty compatible.
SH: Anything that makes us incompatible?
DM: Not particularly. I don't care that you're messy. I don't care that you eat food messy as shit.
SH: (laughs) That's good, that it's not a red flag that I can't eat properly.
DM: Do you think that you have any red flags?
SH: I feel like everybody has red flags.
DM: So what's your red flag?
SH: Well, at first, I was extremely scared of commitment. I think that's kind of a red flag.
DM: Yeah. That is.
SH: But you didn't care. You didn't see that as a red flag. Or if you did, you just ignored it.
Your red flag was when on the first date, you said girls and guys can't just be friends.
DM: Is that really a red flag?
SH: It is. I was like, What do you mean? The only purpose of women is not just to date them.
DM: You can't take what I said a year ago... I don't even remember the reasoning for saying that.
SH: It seemed like a red flag at that time. You do have good reasoning now for a lot of things -
DM: For everything!
SH: But at that time...
DM: Even then, I probably had good reasoning for it.
SH: You don't think you can grow as a person and have messed up opinions in the past?
But anyways, what would you say is your red flag?
DM: What was my red flag? I'm just a walking green flag.
SH: (scoffs) Please.
DM: Maybe I liked you too quickly. I'll give you that one. I should have given myself more time.
SH: Yeah. That's fair.
DM: That's a red flag?
SH: I mean, yeah. I think that's your red flag.
DM: You're not supposed to agree with that.
SH: You agreed with mine, and I said I was scared of commitment.
DM: Because we all know that's true.
SH: And we all know you liked me a lot after having only gone on a couple of dates with me.
DM: No.
SH: I'm not saying it cuz it has anything to do with me. It's just your personality.
But anyways... Why did you ask me out again in October, after we stopped talking at the end of last August?
DM: I wanted to. There wasn't anything more to it. And I thought the reason you gave me for not wanting to date me was the most bullshit reason I'd ever heard.
SH: At the end of August, when I said I didn't want a relationship? I was like, "I don't want a relationship because I'm not ready for one." How is that a bullshit thing?
DM: You also said you didn't like being asked about me by people at the theatre. That's such a stupid reason.
SH: It's not!
DM: You know what I learned? Everyone can have their own reason. But let's be honest - that's a pretty piss-poor reason.
SH: (laughs) Wow. You ignored the entire part where I was like, "I just don't feel like I'm mentally ready for one." You heard one part you disagreed with and was like, "That's stupid. You should have committed."
DM: You know what you once said to me? "Why do you care about what other people think?" So why does it matter if people ask you about us?
SH: I didn't like the pressure. It made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to be in a relationship at that point, so people asking me about it at work, and having to navigate that, was stressful.
DM: We weren't even in a relationship at that point.
SH: But people thought we were dating! Everybody.
DM: And you also said, "I wanna do what's best for both of us."
SH: Yes! It's legit.
DM: How did you know what's best for me?
SH: I knew that I'd be a terrible person to be in a relationship with at that point. So I knew I'd put you through hell, and I was like, I'm seeing this ahead of time, and I think it would be bad if I were to commit to you.
DM: Commit to me? SH: Not necessarily commit! I mean, just continue dating you. But you were so serious. You were probably thinking about commitment.
DM: Where is this serious coming from? You were the one who introduced me to your parents.
SH: Bro...
DM: Yeah, yeah. "I introduce everybody to my parents."
SH: Yeah. I do.
DM: So that's where the seriousness came from. But was there even any seriousness? I didn't ask you to be my girlfriend.
SH: It felt serious. You were going to bring me flowers...
DM: Bringing someone flowers isn't that serious.
SH: You have to see it from where my brain was at that point. And the fact that I was just, like, completely scared of relationships. Any sign of you liking me, not even anything commitment based, freaked me out.
DM: Well, the reason I asked you out again at the end of October was that I felt like it again.
SH: So you went through a month of sadness in September, and then you said, Let me try this again.
DM: I'm a sucker for punishment. Why did you go out with me again?
SH: I remember we talked on Halloween night, at the end of the shift we worked together. And I was like, I missed talking to this guy. I realized how much I enjoy talking to you. It was just fun.
DM: I see.
SH: Who is the more romantic one in our relationship?
DM: We already know the answer to this.
SH: What, you?
DM: Yeah.
SH: Yeah, I know.
DM: Then why did you ask this question? I am the more romantic one.
SH: Are you, though?
DM: Like, 90% of the time. I'm like, "Let me take you on a date. Let me bring you flowers. Let me put in effort." Yeah, I'm a pretty romantic guy. I'll give myself credit where credit is due. I treat you pretty good... I write you letters... I have plans for you...
SH: Would you like me to be more romantic?
DM: It's okay. I like being romantic towards you.
SH: I've become more romantic.
DM: Have you?
SH: Yeah. Moreso than I used to be. Remember when I was scared of writing you a letter?
DM: That's true.
SH: But you're a romantic man.
DM: It's just cuz I want to be romantic. You make it easy to be.
SH: How have you grown since being in a relationship with me? Or have you? Or are you the exact same?
DM: Um...
SH: I haven't grown. I've gone downhill.
DM: I'm... similar.
SH: So you haven't learned anything?
DM: I learned from you. To be more outgoing. I've gone out more this summer than I did last summer.
SH: Is that a good thing?
DM: Um. It's a matter of perspective. I've also been more tired this summer than last summer.
SH: Cuz of me.
DM: Have you grown?
SH: Yeah. I think in a lot of ways.
DM: What are some of these ways? I'm the interviewer.
SH: Not having such a critical, cynical look on relationships and on love.
DM: Why's that? I haven't done anything to you.
SH: What do you mean? (in mocking voice) You've shown me what love can be like.
DM: I think I've grown. You're pretty good to learn from.
SH: You're also pretty good to learn from.
Final question. What's your favourite thing about me and vice versa?
DM: My favourite thing about you is...
SH: My favourite thing about you is....
DM: You just cut me off. Go.
SH: I was just thinking aloud. I didn't have an idea.
DM: You didn't have an idea?
My favourite thing about you is that you're very easy to be around, and you're so easy to talk to. You make me feel so relaxed. Especially when I'm really tired or down, you're just someone who makes me feel comfortable. And instead of draining from me, you give me energy.
SH: Really? I give you energy?
DM: You make me feel energetic.
SH: That's so cute.
DM: And you just make me feel happy. So I just like to be around you. There's just a way to you that makes me feel good.
SH: You make me feel relaxed as well. But, I would say...
DM: (laughs)
SH: Shut up! I wasn't just going to use the exact same thing and be like, "Yeah bro. Same here." I was gonna think of something original. I'm not that bad.
But my favourite thing about you is how thoughtful you are as a person. You're always thinking from other people's perspectives a lot of the time... and how your actions and what you do impact other people. You're really aware of... Why are you looking at me like that?
DM: Why can't I look at you?
SH: You're making me nervous.
Anyways, you're aware of how you treat others and what you can bring to other people, and I feel like you make a difference in many people's lives just from the amount of thought you put into them. You're just a very actions-based person, who is very driven, who is very purposeful.
DM: Can I change mine?
SH: No, you can't change yours.
DM: I'm not taking it back. I just don't think that one was as good as this one.
SH: I really liked yours a lot. It meant a lot to me. It was like, the best thing you could say. The fact that I make you relaxed and comfy and bring you more energy. That's so nice. I really like that. It meant a lot.
DM: Did it? Are you about to cry?
SH: Am I about to cry? No! Why are you looking at me like that? I was not about to cry! Anyways you don't have to change yours. It's not a competition. Do I look like I'm crying? Bud, I'm not crying! Oops, I called you "bud."
DM: (laughs)
SH: I called you "bud", are you gonna kill me?
DM: Maybe I just wanna give you another compliment. I guess I won't, then.
SH: I mean, if you want to, you can.
DM: I also like how kind you are.
SH: Me? Kind? What?
DM: You are. To the people you care about.
SH: (laughs) Am I?
DM: Some days, when you would ask me how I'm feeling when I knew you weren't doing so well yourself. It makes me so thankful that you're there to support me.
SH: I appreciate you saying that. Am I actually kind?
DM: To the people you care about.
SH: And then everyone else I'm like, "Screw you."
DM: No. Lots of people you're kind to. Just sometimes, you're mean.
SH: You're just talking about [name redacted]. There's no one else I'm mean to.
DM: I know! I'm literally just talking about him. You're kinda mean to the dude.
SH: I'm being nicer to him now.
Anyways, any final thoughts or anything you want to add?
DM: I think the question "are we compatible" was the best question you asked.
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