It's been a minute... let me fill you in...
I went to get a tarot reading last week. The woman essentially told me I was very sad, caught up in past ways of being that weren't serving me anymore. She told me I that I had to write more. She said that when I write, I am channelling messages from my spirit guides.
I haven't written for an audience since I finished my creative writing course back in April. Since then I have been focusing on my private daily diary entries, where I write in sort of a "free-association" fashion. I write to express myself, get my feelings down: it's not for anyone to read.
It's bizarre writing for others. I don't mean to say that I expect people to read these blog posts; but the thought that someone could is enough for me to start putting a filter on my words. This sums up my current struggle: who I am in private, versus my public persona, and reconciling the two. It's hard for me to understand who I truly am with all these different faces I put on.
I also recently discovered my Enneagram type after years of misidentifying as a type 7 or 9. For those who are unfamiliar with the Enneagram, it is a personality inventory system that categorizes people into 9 different types, based on their core motivations and fears. Each type is connected to one another -- we move towards different types when we are integrating or disintegrating, but we all have one singular core type. I will be writing an article on it soon, and what I discovered my personality type to be. It definitely helps me understand why I put so much value on "authenticity" and being my "real self", especially in my writing. And it makes me realize that I don't have to try so hard to be "special" or "different" in order to be valued.
The world is beginning to open up again. I started my job at the theatre once more, which has been good. I like the fact I know how to do my job and I don't have to deal with the experience of being new (like I did for my seasonal job at Indigo). But I've noticed that I tend to do better when my life slows down. I sort of miss having all the free-time I did during quarantine, to write and read and exist. But I do like seeing people, and talking to strangers, and being in the world again. I feels less like I'm living in a long, linear dream - which I suppose, for the most part, is a good thing.
I got a new tattoo yesterday, and last week I got an eyebrow piercing. I have built up Summer 2021 too much, but I intend to make the most of it. However this pressure I have put on myself to do wild and insane things has started to break me. At heart, I am best when I don't get carried away by my impulses and desires. I can become quite manic when I let myself do whatever I please...
I have been beginning to experience a "spiritual awakening" of sorts, where I am starting to notice the patterns that are hurting me, and learning what I need to do to become my ideal self. Essentially, I decided that self-improvement is now my goal. I'm tired of making self-destruction my niche. I've also decided to spend less time doing things that waste my time but are easy and instead do what I love. Things that require effort, but are worth it for how they make me feel. These include writing, reading, and my current favourite, making perler bead crafts (I will probably write an article showing my creations).
Anyways I intend to post more on this blog. At times some of my articles might be more personal. I'm trying to be more honest and vulnerable, and I feel like this is a [mostly] safe place to do that. I also want to get back into writing - articles, thoughts, etc. - for an audience so that when my English courses start up in the fall, my writing is more streamlined and less like... whatever this mess is. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully I can keep this up.
Love
Soph
Life be like that