Focusing on self-improvement can be, paradoxically enough, damaging.
You Are a Badass. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. The Power of Positive Thinking.
Have you ever read a self-help book? Did you find it helpful, or did it just give you the mistaken belief that you can "fix your feelings"?
Self-help books are sold with the promise that they can give you hints on how to win at life or hack your brain.
However, that is not always possible.
Why don't self-help books work?
Feelings cannot just be "fixed".
You can't read a book on grieving and then magically get rid of the pain. There's a reason why emotions exist.
Mental illnesses, like depression or anxiety, aren't easily cured with a simple "affirmation" or positive thinking mantra.
A better way of looking at feelings is not as something to be fixed but as natural phenomena that must be experienced to understand and move through thoroughly.
They are often used as a band-aid for real help.
Sometimes it's easier to consult a book for answers on why we feel a certain way than be vulnerable with our loved ones, seek professional help, or make actionable moves to improve our mental health.
Reading a self-help book allows us to feel like we are making some strides toward becoming happier or less stressed when in reality, it might only be providing a short-term bandaid.
Most self-help books are based on anecdotes or the author's personal experiences, and are not always universal.
It's not always possible to just become happier or more satisfied. Self-help book authors base this on their own experiences when they might not be dealing with some of the problems their readers are facing.
For example, some self-help authors may not consider their privilege or personal advantages. They may not be facing any of the same struggles you are, yet they still pose their words as universal.
Self-help books make healing, recovering, and dealing with hard emotions seem easy or hackable. But the reality is much different.
Even if the author speaks from a position of having gone through some challenging, traumatic situations, they talk of it in retrospect.
It's easy to forget how complicated the actual situations were for them. Most individuals have a "hindsight bias" - I always knew I would get through that time. It was easy - once I started doing this, everything changed.
It's like reaching the top of a mountain after a painful, tedious climb where you wanted to give up fifty thousand times. The view might make you forget how hard it was to get there. But you still look down at your friends climbing and say, "It's not that hard, man! Just keep climbing! Don't even think about giving up!"
Your advice is legit - perseverance is important - but you must remember that every climb is easier said than done. It can be easy to forget how challenging and painful certain emotions are once you're feeling happy again.
The path to feeling better can be long and tedious, and healing isn't usually linear. But we often forget this in retrospect.
We can take specific actions to reduce stress or emotional distress symptoms, but it might take a while of consistency for these to do anything to help. Therefore in the meantime, it's easy for us to get overwhelmed when we're not "fixing" our problems the way self-help authors suggest one can do.
Focusing on solving your inner problems may only aggravate them.
The first thing self-help books do is sell you the ideas that:
Happiness should be your primary goal in life.
It is possible to achieve consistent and constant happiness if you were to do X, Y, and Z.
That's simply false and can often make you feel worse about yourself. It might make you feel like you're feeling this way because you're lacking in some area in your life - perhaps you're not working out enough, not participating in enough "self-care," or simply not "confident" enough, etc.
But knowledge doesn't erase feelings. And reading a self-help book is not equal to healing.
Self-help books might introduce new problems for you to worry about, might make you focus even more on things you aren't doing, and continue to promote our current culture of hustling and productivity when you need to slow down and let yourself heal on your own.
Sometimes, emotional wounds can be like physical ones. If we are constantly monitoring our wounds, focusing on the pain they cause, or trying to instantly get rid of them, we can actually be doing more damage than just letting them be and allowing them to heal on their own.
Simply reading a book isn't the same thing as actionable, life-changing habits.
Some self-help books might have some helpful advice, but simply reading it won't solve your problems.
For a self-help book to truly be helpful, it must:
Be rooted in research.
Be universal.
Not make false promises.
Provide real-world actions you can take.
That's IT. This is why a book like Atomic Habits can be helpful- it is research-based, provides clear instructions, and doesn't promise immediate results. The book is centred on developing routines, focusing on the process rather than the result.
If a book promises to give you "quick fixes" - focusing on results rather than process - it will only make you feel worse. The belief that there is advice that will instantly soothe all your mental wounds and stressors exists only so self-help authors can continue to sell their books.
Wait, so.... what do I do instead?
Read, watch, and listen to things that don't focus on your emotions. Even though it may be tempting to read self-help books, watch self-help videos, or listen to self-help podcasts (especially when feeling down), the paradox is that doing the opposite might be more helpful and relieving.
If you find it hard to concentrate because of how focused you are on your emotions, my personal rule is CREATE rather than CONSUME. Rather than stifling your emotions, distracting yourself, or trying to fix your issues, it might be infinitely more relieving to take your feelings and express yourself through art, poetry, writing, video game design, or whatever your favourite form of creation is.
Most importantly... If your symptoms are distressing, put you in danger, or are hard to deal with on your own, seek professional help, speak to a trusted acquaintance, or call a free helpline for more guidance.
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