My thoughts on one of the most powerful books I have ever read in my life.
"We all experience gender. We are all limited by oppressive gender stereotypes. We must transcend the myth of the gender war. We're all on the same team."
Sometimes I come across a book that makes me think, if everyone on the entire Earth were to read this, it could save humanity. The last book to make me believe that was bell hooks' All About Love: New Visions. Both of these books centre on empathy and compassion as their values. When we discuss gender, it is often to debate who has it worse - men or women. Liz Plank reveals that this sort of debate is impractical and unhelpful. The limitations of conventional gender ideals hurt both men and women.
One of the buzz topics everybody seems to have an opinion on is feminism. The very word "feminism" can set off many reactions: rage, passion, denial. When I once mentioned to somebody last semester that I was taking a gender class, he replied, "Don't you know the memes they make about girls who take gender class? That they're a bunch of angry man-haters?"
I was surprised, but also not. There is a massive misconception about gender and feminism: one, that "gender" is inherently a women's issue and doesn't apply to men, and two, that to be a feminist means to hate men or masculinity. There is an online moral panic surrounding the idea that "liberals" and/or "feminists" are trying to take away masculinity and feminize men.
If you've ever heard that, please read this book. This book does not blame men or masculinity or say that maleness is inherently toxic. Instead, it suggests that we must challenge specific and dangerous values of toxic masculinity. These values are constraining, hurting, and even killing men.
Traditional values of masculinity are causing men to die, and we aren't questioning it enough. Men are more likely to die by suicide. They're less likely to go to seek medical or mental help. They are statistically more lonely and more likely to become homeless (and stay homeless). They're also more prone to committing violent crimes (a relevant chapter discusses gun violence and the perpetuation of mass shootings by young white men).
This book was so clearly thought out and researched. Plank incorporated international travel experiences and interviews with men worldwide, along with social experiences and well-cited research surrounding masculinity. The statistics she referenced were jaw-dropping and often heartbreaking.
One fascinating idea was that, unlike femininity, manhood often feels like it must be "re-earned" time and time again and can be taken away at any given point. We don't tell women that their "women-card" has been taken away. In addition, we don't have a word for "emasculation" that applies to women.
"Women have more permission to drift away from traditional feminine norms; men can't do that with as much flexibility," Plank writes. "Masculinity is much more rigid and requires constant self-regulation."
The common expression "be a real man" is used to create rules for what men can and cannot do: for example, wear makeup, put on skirts, cry, etc. But the same expression is never used on women. As Plank describes, "even if a man squats three hundred pounds, biting into beef jerky with one one hand and fighting a hungry bear with the other, his masculinity would still be put into question for ordering a drink that comes in a cosmo glass with a cherry at happy hour."
One specific anecdote from For the Love of Men that stood out to me was a simple exercise Plank conducted at one of her talks. First, she asked, "How many of you let your girls play with stereotypical 'boy toys'?" To this, many people shot their hands into the air. She then asked another question: "How many of you let your sons play with stereotypical 'girl toys'?" Barely anyone raised their hand to this question, and many people looked uncomfortable. The exercise drew attention to how traditional masculinity relies on rejecting what is feminine. This isn't just when it comes to toys - it can also apply to their careers. When we teach boys to avoid what is considered "girly," we often limit their options unknowingly. This can even extend to jobs typically held by women, such as teaching, eldercare, and nursing.
"We're more comfortable seeing a young boy play with a toy gun than a toy doll."
Plank stresses that the point of her book is not to encourage men to be more like women or women to be more like men: "Freeing ourselves of gender rules doesn't mean we have to remove it entirely from our lives, but rather that we take and leave the parts that make sense, and that we all are afforded the personal freedom to make those decisions personally and privately." Simply put, rather than blindly following collective, societal-imposed "rules" on how we must behave, we can allow ourselves the individual freedom to make our choices based on what we want.
"The most important thing about mindful masculinity is that it's not about shunning masculinity; it's about claiming it back."
As Plank puts it, intentional masculinity is the cure for toxic masculinity. Intentional masculinity "encourages men to look inward to remain connected to all those things that make them a good man instead of the unhelpful trash they've inadvertently absorbed and are inadvertently carrying around about what it means to be a 'real man'."
She adds, "instead of seeing certain male behaviors as innate, inflexible, and inevitable, we will come to see them as learned, changeable, and avoidable."
Plank writes from a place of kindness and compassion. She tells stories of incredible men in her life, such as her father, who taught her what mindful masculinity looks like. She is intersectional in her approach to masculinity and examines it from many angles. Included in her interviews is a transgender man, a gay black disabled man, an openly gay former NFL player, and other men from countries all over the world.
This book is so important. SO important. I cannot recommend it enough.
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