“If your ego starts out, ‘I am important, I am big, I am special,’ you’re in for some disappointments when you look around at what we’ve discovered about the universe. No, you’re not big. No, you’re not. You’re small in time and in space. And you have this frail vessel called the human body that’s limited on Earth.”
– Neil deGrasse Tyson
What is an Ego Problem?
The ego is our sense of self-worth, the way we understand ourselves. It is a collection of the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.
When our ego is in a healthy state, our ego is the voice that tells us that we are enough, that we are equal to those around us, that we are worthy of love, that we are capable.
It is the voice that tells us that we are equal to our peers.
However, we can sometimes develop an unhealthy ego. An unhealthy ego is the voice that tells us that we are better than others, that we should be worshipped by those around us, that we could achieve anything, easily, without having to work hard for it. It can also tell us that we are victims, that we will never be understood, that other people are doing better than us, or that we will never amount to anything.
Everyone has an ego, and everyone has moments where it becomes inflated (or deflated).
The interesting thing is that ego inflation (a belief in our superiority to others) and deflation (a belief in our inferiority to others) are very similar to one another. It is easy to switch back from one to another, usually because our egos become very fragile in either state. If we believe that we are better than other people, we are constantly needing to feed that belief. Anything that challenges our inherent superiority will cause us to have to reassess ourselves, which can result in a lot of anger or denial.
Sometimes our ego will inflate to overcompensate for our repressed insecurities. Believing that we are superior to others can be a coping technique we use because we actually don't think we are better than other people. Contrary to popular belief, having an inflated ego usually develops in response to us having a lot of insecurities about ourselves. We may portray ourselves in a certain way and create a version of ourselves in order to be seen as better or more powerful.
Because ego inflation and deflation are so similar and tied to one another, I am going to refer to both of them simply as having an "ego problem".
Signs That We Have an Ego Problem
Thinking that our opinions or ideas are more correct or valid than others
Not picking up new hobbies if we won't automatically be good at it
Believing it is our job to correct and fix the people around us
Doing everything ourselves and being afraid to ask for help to avoid looking weak
Other people are competition, rather than companions
Feeling a need to be "the best" at something
Craving the validation and affirmations of others
Continuing to do something even when we realize we're wrong
Focusing on ourselves more in social situations rather than what others are telling you
Seeing certain tasks, situations, hobbies, or people as "beneath you"
Believing there is something "wrong" or "different" about us and thinking that nobody could understand the way that we feel
Blaming others when things don't go our way
Constantly feeling like we need "more" of something - more money, more time, more food, more clothes, more attention - rather than being content with what we have
Interrupting or talking over people around us
Picking an easier route that would allow us to easily win rather than picking something more challenging that would force us to do our best
Feeling like we have to be in control in situations
Feeling better about ourselves when we're talking about other people's flaws
Always having to "win" the argument
Speaking loudly, moving fast, or using grand gestures to divert attention from the fact we actually don't know what we're talking about
Choosing friends based on whether or not they agree with us, rather than being open to experiencing new opinions or ways of seeing the world
Finding it difficult to connect to others socially, or finding it difficult to remember details that others tell us about their lives
Not wanting to admit that we are wrong
Feeling a need for control in all situations
Constantly comparing ourselves to others and making assessments about whether they are better or worse than you
Feeling jealous when other people do well
"The ego hurts you like this: you become obsessed with the one person who does not love you. Blind to the rest who do."
- Warsan Shire
How To Go About Dismantling It
I try not to blame myself when I notice my ego acting up. I have gained the knowledge that having an inflated ego is tied to my insecurities. Sometimes when I feel rejected, misunderstood, or ignored, I will overcompensate by developing this mentality of: "I AM THE BEST. I HAVE THE GREATEST OPINIONS AND THE MOST INTERESTING STORIES. EVERYONE IS ACTUALLY JEALOUS OF ME."
I like to notice it and think, "Interesting, a part of me wants to convince myself and everyone around me that I am better than them." And then I like to address it and say, "I don't think this is me talking. This is my ego. I don't have to prove myself or be better than anyone to be worthy. I can simply be loved for who I am."
And then I shift the focus completely away from myself, and onto other people. I develop a sense of....
CURIOUSITY. What can I learn from others? What can I learn from the world?
GRATITUDE. What do I love about the people in my life? What do I genuinely view as my strengths?
LOVE. How do I show other people in my life that I care about them? What can I do to make other people feel special?
I also try to come from a place of self-acceptance, acknowledging that there will be times throughout my life where my ego will want to act up. If someone criticizes me about something I am insecure about, for example, I may feel a need to show them that I am better than them. However, I can learn to notice this when it happens, and try to speak from a place of equality rather than entitlement or inferiority.
There isn't one simple fix to "dismantling" or "destroying" our egos. Our egos are healthy, normal parts of us. There will be times when they inflate, and times when they deflate, just like tires.
Don't judge yourself for having an inflated or deflated ego. It is completely normal and everyone has experienced it at some point. Notice when it happens, and find a way to get back into that mindset of "I am no better or worse than anyone else. Everyone has flaws, but everyone is also deserving of love."
The Power of Moving Away From Our Egos
I have noticed that the second I stop believing I am any better or worse than anyone, I also get to stop "trying". I don't feel the need to over-exaggerate my strengths or get people's attention. I don't feel the need to become something that I'm not. I accept where I am currently at.
I also stop taking people's criticisms personally; if other people think they are superior than me, it is them acting out their own inflated egos (the same way that I judged and assessed people when I was acting out of my inflated ego; it has little to do with the other people I was judging, and more to do with me and my own insecurities.) Similarly, it allows me some freedom from people's opinions of me.
It also allows me to focus on those around me. Sometimes when my ego is acting up, I develop social anxiety because I feel this need to "prove myself" in social interactions. I focus so much on what I am doing and saying in social interactions that I realize I don't remember anything of what the other person said. When I move away from my ego, I realized that this is stopping me from truly connecting with those around me. Instead of using my energy to focus on myself, I can use it to focus on other people and make them feel heard and special.
When we step away from our egos, we develop so much freedom.
We give ourselves freedom to fail, make mistakes, be goofballs, let go of control, and give our full hearts and attention to the people we love.
So allow yourself that freedom today, and regulate your ego!
留言