An excerpt from my May 2020 edition of Soph & Nick's Magazine.
What is charisma? These days, it seems like a magical word; some sort of superpower that only enigmatic movie stars like Tom Cruise or Chris Hemsworth seem to possess. But when we think deeper into it, we must ask: what makes a person in a room stand out, or seem worth listening to? What makes them likeable or attractive to other people? At the root, the answer to all these questions is ‘charisma’. But what is it, and how does someone get it?
There are many things that all charismatic people have in common, that are the groundwork to what makes them so extraordinarily likeable. Here is a list of the top 7 habits and characteristics of charismatic people, along with some information on how to practice these habits, if you are not there yet.
1. Empathy.
Charismatic people possess empathy towards others. This comes in two forms: positive empathy, and negative empathy. Positive empathy is defined by the excitement you feel when someone you love lands their dream job, or gets married. But charismatic people don’t just feel this towards the people they care about; they feel this about everyone. They are genuinely happy for the successes of other people, even strangers, and learn to let go of envy or jealousy. Negative empathy is being able to take on the negative feelings that other people experience. It is the ability to comfort others when they are at their lowest points, and support and help them without judgment.
PRACTICE EMPATHY BY...
Listening to other people when they are upset and imagining yourself in their scenarios. Think about the things you would like to hear if you were going through the same thing.
Focus more on comforting the other person, and less about saying the right thing. Physical and verbal gestures, like a hug, or “I’m always here for you”, often are much more powerful in expressing empathy than offering advice or saying “at least you’re not...” Although it is often common to immediately jump to wanting to help the person through advice, or sharing a personal anecdote, it’s not usually helpful when someone is upset and irrational.
Learn to praise and celebrate the success of others. In this age of comparison which has been magnified by the use of social media, it is socially acceptable and common to be openly jealous of other people, whether it is their houses, their appearances, their spouses, their lives. Instead of being critical of others and their success, genuinely celebrate the successes of the people you care about. “I’m so glad they got that academy award—they totally deserved it!” “I’m so glad my cousin got that scholarship—she’s brilliant and she’s going to go on to do so many great things.” Jealousy makes you feel and appear more insecure, so don’t let yourself get caught up in it.
2. Humility.
C.S. Lewis once said—“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” How perfectly this sums up the very act of being humble. Like I said before, charisma has a lot to do with thinking you are important. But that doesn’t mean you are more important than anyone else. People who are enjoyable to be around know the difference between arrogance and confidence. They don’t have to wave their achievements, awards, or assets in other people’s faces. Being humble is by no means something to associate with being passive, submissive, or insecure. Instead, choosing humility signifies extreme confidence, as it shows you don’t need to boast or brag in order to be seen or heard.
PRACTICE HUMILITY BY...
Listening to others. Speaking over other people—or not letting them get a word in— signifies that you believe that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say.
Try to start sentences with “you” rather than “I” when making conversation with others. Put others at the forefront of your thoughts. Truly humble people will brag about other people, whereas prideful people only brag about themselves.
Learn to accept constructive criticism with ease and gratefulness. When someone tells you how to improve, it often easy to become defensive. However, accepting your own flaws and the room you have for improvement shows that you are self-aware and humble. No one is so perfect they are free from mistakes.
3. Vulnerability.
Vulnerability is difficult. It takes an immense amount of strength and confidence to be vulnerable—although often people make the false assumption that to be vulnerable means to be weak. But vulnerability is the act of putting yourself out there, despite the risk of embarrassment or judgment. Being vulnerable is giving a huge presentation despite your huge fear of public speaking. Vulnerability is stating your opinion even if the entire room has a conflicting one. Vulnerability is telling someone you love them even though you’re not sure they feel the same way. Vulnerability is showing your true feelings and emotions, even when you’re afraid of the judgment that may come from it. Charismatic people realize that vulnerability is an incredible skill that increases your likeability tenfold, and also increases your overall enjoyment and experience of life.
PRACTICE VULNERABILITY BY...
Using the “Pratfall Effect” to your advantage. The Pratfall Effect states that by making or admitting to a mistake, you become more likable. It is proven that when someone appears perfect, others are more likely to distance themselves from them, whereas someone who admits to their flaws is more likable. So learn to be more open with your own flaws and realize they are not something you need to hide.
Talk to people about your emotions. Be honest about your experiences, and don’t try to sugarcoat how you are truly feeling. It can be extremely scary, but it is extremely fulfilling and gratifying to truly be heard for what you are truly experiencing. Find at least one person in your life you feel comfortable with and can truly connect with, and be honest with them.
Similarly, remain authentic. If someone asks you a question, be truthful and candid. Tell them how you are truly feeling. Even if you are embarrassed by something you love or enjoy, be honest about your hobbies and experiences. Being vulnerable means putting yourself out there, entirely as you are. It may be scary, but it is extremely rewarding.
4. Humor.
Humor is the icing on the cake of charisma. Someone who can make people laugh—and also laugh at their own mistakes and misfortunes—is always seen as likable in the public eye. Being humorous is the easiest way to make someone smile and laugh, and they will associate their good feelings with you. Everyone has a sense of humor underneath it all, and although we all have different types of humor, we still have the ability to make others laugh. Sometimes it just takes a bit of practice.
PRACTICE HUMOR BY...
Learn to laugh at yourself—or at awkward or embarrassing situations. Cracking jokes is the easiest way to lighten up a stiff or intense atmosphere, and make it more pleasant for everyone around.
Experiment. Not every joke is going to land. But finding your own brand of humor and learning how to manipulate it to get the most laughs is the easiest way to becoming funny.
Don’t try hard to be funny. Good humor comes naturally!
Learn some common dad jokes you can slip into conversation once in a while. It might not get a humongous laugh, but it might get a couple groans.
5. Presence.
Presence is arguably one of the most important aspects of charisma, as it is all about your engagement with other people. It means putting down your phone, putting down your distractions, and putting down your own self-interest, and becoming genuinely attentive to whoever you are talking to. The paradoxical secret of charisma is that it is not about underlining and establishing your own achievements and good qualities, but instead about making the other person feel good and important.
PRACTICE PRESENCE BY...
Putting down your phone when you are talking to other people—ALWAYS. Pulling out your phone mid-conversation almost immediately destroys any sense of likability that you have accumulated. Do not do let this happen.
Practicing eye contact and body language to establish to others that you are actively listening. Try not to fiddle with your hair or hands, or let your eyes gaze off into the distance while someone is talking, as difficult as that may be.
Ask questions and be curious about the other person.
6. Genuine Interest.
When you see a picture of a cute little golden retriever, how do you feel? Amazing, and happy. Because dogs—unlike a lot of humans—are always genuinely excited to greet EVERYONE. They don’t have a preconceived notion of who they like or dislike, they simply love the idea of seeing others and spending time with them. True charismatics have a lot in common with dogs—as demeaning as that may seem. What I mean is that they are not pretentious, and are genuinely interested in what anyone has to say, whether they are above them, or “below” them. They want to hear everybody’s story.
PRACTICE GENUINE INTEREST BY...
Asking the waitress or waiter what they have planned for the rest of the day, and listen genuinely to what they have to say. Or ask your hairdresser, or the person giving you your manicure, or even your Uber driver. Most people working in customer service are not used to others caring about how they are or what they are doing, as they spend their entire job simply pleasing others. Also, showing that you are genuinely interested in them, despite the fact they are the ones who are “serving you”, establishes that you are not the type of person to believe you are above or more important than anyone.
Remember facts about other people to bring up next time you see them. For example, say you meet some guy named Joe at a party who says that he works for an Engineering company. Next time you stumble into him, you can ask him, “So, how’s being an engineer going?” This shows that you are genuinely interested in the other person, and that you care about what they have to say.
7. Avoidance of social narcissism.
It’s extremely easy to fall into the pit of only talking about yourself. A lot of people believe that the more they talk, the more likable they appear. The opposite is true, however. So learn to avoid social narcissism and ask questions. You probably realize how many times I’ve said ask questions in this article. And you’re probably starting to realize how important it is.
PRACTICE AVODING SOCIAL NARCISSISM BY...
Uncovering the true motivations and emotions of others. When someone tells you something they did, ask interesting open-ended questions. Think of “Why, how, what”? When someone tells you they moved to New Zealand when they were twenty, ask, “Why did you decide to do that?”, “How did you stay sane all alone in New Zealand?” and “What did you struggle with?” You’ll be amazed by how far the conversation will go.
When someone tells you their problem, don’t react by telling them your problem. Sometimes people will fall into a situation where they attempt to “one-up” the other person’s problem with a seemingly “worse problem” in a demented attempt to... put the person’s problem in perspective? For example, let’s say Susie says, “My dad just moved away.” And then Agatha replies, “WELL, MY DAD IS DEAD. SO YOU’RE LUCKY.” Although Agatha may just be wanting the best for Susie and simply wants to help her look at the big picture, it comes across as narcissistic and instantly kills the conversation. And even though what Agatha experience is obviously very difficult and painful, this is not the time or place to bring up your own issues. Learn to genuinely listen to the other person’s issue instead of talking about your own.
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