On the subject of "gazing", and what it means to self-identify with the looks of others.
" To look at ourselves with any gaze other than our own is to force ourselves to fit someone else's narrative."
What does it mean to gaze? One might suggest gazing is to go beyond the simple act of perceiving someone - to consider others and study them. But it is also a lens we use to project our ideas and needs onto the bodies and minds of others. What does it mean, then, if one self-objectifies? That is to say, what does it mean to gaze at oneself? And furthermore, why do we tend to do so in a way that prioritizes the ideals of others rather than ourselves?
The idea of the "gaze" has been amplified due to conversations regarding gendered gazes in movies and film. In her essay "Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema", Laura Mulvey used the term "male gaze" to describe the way in which women are portrayed in films directed by men. The male gaze is focused on physical characteristics, and often portrays women as sexual objects. The male gaze is seductive and visual, but female characters often lack complexity, their purpose reduced to being eye candy for the viewer.
Many women find themselves caught in a cycle of grooming or dressing in ways that appeal to men rather than themselves. For some, this may mean choosing to wear heels even if they don't want to/find it uncomfortable, shaving their body hair, or dressing to appeal to others. Of course, many women choose to do this because they enjoy it - which isn't a problem. Everyone is and should be allowed to express themselves however they want. However, it isn't what you really want if the sole purpose of doing something is to make others find you attractive.
By adhering to a male gaze, we reduce ourselves to caricatures. We weigh our looks, and our attractiveness, as the most important part of who we are. We may understand that we have a lot of depth or a lot of personality beneath the surface, but we may not express these emotions and seemingly "undesirable" traits because we are often taught through these movies that women are to look sexy, and that's about it.
The definition of the male gaze reveals that "gazing" isn't simply studying people and perceiving them for what they truly are. We are applying our own desires unto them, warping them into whatever suits us. When we look at someone longingly, we often imagine and idealize them in ways that suit our own needs and desires, shaping them into characters of our own minds. The male gaze, which idealizes sex, desire, and beauty, uses these ideals to turn its female characters into sex objects.
When we shift this gaze and turn it upon ourselves, rather than placing our ideals onto ourselves and shaping ourselves to suit our own needs, we often prioritize the ideals of others. Thus, when we "gaze" at ourselves, we do so at the expense of our own desires.
This sense of a third-self, an external viewer, is what I address as the "external internal gaze"; no longer are you grounded in your own body. You are doomed by an internal audience.
We do it when we read our own writing from a "stranger's perspective", or intensely focus on our behaviour while in a social setting. We do this when we watch old or current videos of ourselves, analyzing how we looked, acted, and behaved. We do it every time we ask ourselves, What do they think of me? How do they perceive me? What do I look like, from an outside perspective?
The reason we do this is because these are all unanswerable questions. We will never truly be able to see ourselves through the eyes of others. We will never be able to say for certain what someone thinks or feels about us. This gives us great anxiety, because how badly we wish to control the image we show to the world! Many of us will build our entire lives around how we appear to others. We will create a public image based on being seen as popular, happy, and successful, rejecting anything that does not fit into this standard.
The more we gaze at ourselves in this respect, the more we may feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. We may not even feel a sense of self at all, since we are so used to altering ourselves to suit the gazes of others. This is why people who seem extremely happy and successful on social media are often struggling with feelings of emptiness and longing - they have spent their entire lives catering to the gazes of others. Why is there no emphasis on catering to our own gaze?
For a long time, I wanted so badly for others to like me. I tried so hard to entertain them that I unknowingly became their pawn. In my notes app, I wrote: "I’m doomed by an internalized audience. I feel like I must perform even when alone. I feel I must entertain myself with my own personality. No wonder I am exhausted." To be oneself was not enough; I had to make others like me.
It worked, but only to an extent. When people commented on how funny, or attractive, or fantastic I was, I simply didn't believe them. I could not see what they saw. It's obvious why now; I had spent so much time creating their ideal person that I had lost sight of who I really wanted to be.
Eventually I realized this had to stop because I no longer liked myself. Because I had shaped myself to fit the standards of the world around me, I didn't actually like what I had become. It wasn't my ideals that I had used to shape my own behaviour and appearance. It was those of others.
I decided to gaze at myself through my own values and ideals. Who did I want to be? What could I do to make myself the most proud? I began to project my own ideals onto myself, rather than the ideals of others. I asked myself, What do I find attractive? What do I enjoy? What do I like? Who do I want to be? I realized that what I found attractive, and what I enjoyed, was not always identical to what others did.
Not only did this give me increased freedom to express myself, I stopped seeing myself through this strange third-perspective where I consistently felt watched. Now I was in my own body, making my decisions in tune with what I wanted and felt. I could dress how I wanted to, I could say what I wanted to, I could live how I wanted to. I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I thought of myself positively because I was now aligned with my own values, rather than others.
When I felt a sense of rejection or negative judgment from others, I was able to evaluate the situation more clearly. Do I like the person I am, right now? Yes. Do I have the exact same values and ideals as the person who has rejected/judged me? No. So why should I shape myself to match their interests, and not my own?
It is only through our own gaze that we can find true self-acceptance and clarity. By remaining true to our own ideals and values, we can shape ourselves into who we actually want to become, rather than living a life of self-hatred and contempt because we don't fit into what others want.
Although we can't escape concepts such as the male gaze, let us hope we can escape these concepts when applied to ourselves. To look at ourselves with any gaze other than our own is to force ourselves to fit someone else's narrative. The most revolutionary thing one can do is to build oneself around what one perceives one's ideal self to be: to use one's own gaze when looking at oneself.
NOTE FROM SOPHIE:
This article was written in 2021 and sitting in my drafts. I had never published it, but I had written it in full. Upon reading it, I realized what a great reminder it was. I had forgotten, for a while, to view myself from my "own lens"; from this gaze inside of my heart.
As I grow up in my 20s and graduate in a few months, I realize what a critical time it is to view yourself purely from your ideals. Talking to a lot of my peers, I realize how hard it is - especially in this period of increased freedom - to tap into yourself and separate society's expectations from your own. My biggest challenge right now is to stop asking questions coming from this "external, internal gaze," as I put it. Questions like, am I doing enough? Am I, or will I be, "successful"? Am I behind, when I compare myself to my peers? These questions seem like they're coming from ourselves, but they're coming from society's gaze.
Reading the article above, I was struck by how much I needed the reminder. Even when I go through periods where I am more critical of myself, I know that by performing actions that align me with my values (rather than those of others), I can move in alignment with my ideals and become someone that I am proud of.
I didn't write above that this can be hard work, but it is. It doesn't go away completely, that exernal internal gaze. It takes practice and ritual to find your own again. But it's worth it.
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