A conversation with my friend Ainsley about makeup experimentation, redeveloping your mindset, and the power of "effort".
For people who don't know Ainsley or have never seen her, Ainsley is the type of person who stands out from a mile away. With her universe-bending accessories, avant-garde makeup, and her typical rambunctious personality, Ainsley never fails to be forgotten or ignored.
Ainsley often hears the words, "I wish I had your confidence to experiment with makeup and try
new looks." The thing is, though, Ainsley's confidence wasn't always there. It has been a process for her to become this version of herself.
I decided to interview Ainsley about her journey to becoming the inspirational person she is today and take a peek inside her mind.
SH: So, I think I'll start off by explaining why I decided to interview you today.
AO: Yeah, why did you decide this? You just texted me one day and were like, "I'm gonna write an article on you, so be prepared."
SH: I was thinking about how fearless you seem and how inspired you make me. You're very experimental when it comes to trying out new looks. You're very unapologetic both in your physical presence and your personality. My blog sometimes focuses on self-development, so I was thinking Ainsley is the perfect representative for that. There's a stark difference when we look at where you were a year and a half ago, in terms of how low you felt about your life and yourself, compared to where you are today. It's a whole redemption story.
AO: Bro... I don't even know. That turn... I... I...
SH: So that's literally what this article is about. How did you take such a sharp turn?
AO: It's something. My outlook before - even how I viewed the world - is different from how I see it now. I think about this a lot.
SH: Not only did you redesign your physical look, but you also redesigned your mindset and how you look at the world.
AO: I look back now, and I know I always had it in me. It was more "underneath the surface." I was too shy to let this side of me out. But I look back, and I can still see it all there.
SH: Your development was less about becoming a different person and more about embracing the parts of you that were deeper down.
AO: Yeah. See, that's what I'm saying.
SH: What do you think were the layers that were stopping you? What was keeping it pushed down?
AO: See, I'll tell you the point where I finally decided to change. It was 2021, and I was on the waitlist for social work, and I had just finished gaining thirty pounds. I looked at myself and asked, "Are you happy with yourself?" I know people joke about how you should just "stop being sad," but that actually helped me decide to change. I was like, "You know what? I'm done. I'm done sitting here, just being sad about all my failures." I decided that I had had enough, and I would start putting effort into my life. I used to think everything would work out for me if I didn't put any effort in, but that was when I realized the only way I could genuinely unleash myself was by putting effort into my life.
SH: Oh, that's interesting. So before, you were kind of living life of "auto-pilot", almost.
AO: Bro. Yeah. For example, my parents and I always knew I was smart, but I never tried in school. That's why my grades were so low. My grades aren't always stellar now, but if I get a B+ and know I put all my heart and soul into it, I'm gonna be proud of it. I'm owning it.
SH: So the change kind of came when you realized you didn't want to be super passive.
AO: Yes. Another part was realizing I hated caring about what other people thought. I was never one that liked my style - I wore yoga pants and mom t-shirts every day. I had absolutely zero style but no clue how to fix it. When I woke up, I would just throw on the first thing I saw. I wasn't happy with how I presented myself. I was just kinda there - you're right, on "auto-pilot."
SH: It seems like a lot of your decision-making back then was about staying within your comfort zone. Even your clothing wasn't based on what made you happy, but what made you feel comfortable and wouldn't make other people question anything.
AO: I always felt like the side character in my own life. I can be a side character in other people's, but not in my own. But everyone should be the main character in their own lives.
SH: So part of it was about realizing that your need to "blend-in" was also making you feel looked over. You realized you'd rather fulfill your own interests than camouflage and stay in the background.
AO: Growing up, I'd always see the "cool kids" doing something, and I was like, "I wanna do that." I have this memory of being on the city bus and seeing all these kids clapping and snapping and making noises with their hands, and I thought to myself, "I really wanna do that, too. But I can't. That's embarassing." I was never a loner in the corner, but I was never a popular kid, either.
SH: So you felt there were certain things that you couldn't do because you weren't in that "popular" category. You restricted yourself from being expressive or out there because you were like, "I'm not popular enough to do that."
AO: Yeah, exactly.
SH: Do you view yourself as a popular kid now?
AO: I don't view myself as a popular kid now. Other people might view me as that, but...
SH: Maybe you're just your own category.
AO: Exactly. I'm just me. I'm not "popular", and I don't need to be. I'm just "Ainsley." I'm my own thing. People literally categorize me as Ainsley. They go up to me and tell me I'm my own category.
SH: That's a beautiful thing to be told. I feel like many people want to be popular, but they sacrifice who they are to become it. Trying to attain popularity seems like it is the opposite of what you're doing because you're just being yourself.
AO: Despite my mindset back in high school, I never even had the overwhelming desire to be popular. I didn't like the popular kids, and I didn't like how they viewed me. I felt that they saw me as a sad little charity case. All they saw was a kid who sat in the corner and was quiet - and it was because I put myself in that position. But it made me angry that that was how everyone viewed me. It made me feel insignificant.
SH: So because you were quieter, they treated you like you were inferior?
AO: Yeah. And I knew I was not inferior. I was nothing less because I was quiet. But those were the moments I realized I wanted to change how I was expressing myself. I don't think I would have been as angry if there wasn't another personality pushed down underneath it all. If I really was that shy kid, in and out, I wouldn't have been so mad.
SH: So you've always sort of been the same person, but now you're more expressive from the get-go.
AO: Before, when I went to school, I didn't want people to notice or talk to me. I would go to my friend group and stay with my friend group. I didn't want any other people to give me any attention.
SH: So now that you've overcome some of these fears, is there anything that you're still afraid of, like with social situations, or anything? What are you afraid of?
AO: The fears I have now versus then are very different, but I still get scared. When I started university and I had to do group presentations... those scared the shit out of me. I was stressed for months upon months upon months for those. However, from my first semester to this semester, a lot has changed. Putting myself through simulations has made me less scared. Throwing myself into rooms with no solid plan, hoping that the minimal counselling skills I knew would be sufficient... it was terrifying.
SH: That does sound terrifying.
AO: I did it twice. And did I get the marks I wanted? No. But it made me less afraid the next time.
SH: So before, would you say you would have been more likely to "back away" from your fears? Now it seems like you still get scared, but instead of avoiding them, you confront them head-on.
AO: The mindset I have now is that every time I break through a barrier, I get stronger as a person. Every single time I confront a fear, my horizon expands. I am not scared at all of public speaking anymore. I know there will still be more challenges and things in my future that absolutely terrify me. I just want to be a stronger person, so I believe in facing all my fears.
And even with this mindset, I'm still scared shitless when it comes to things that frighten me. I tell myself that no matter how much I hype myself, I'm still going to be scared. A challenge is still a challenge, and it's going to be scary no matter what. But if you keep chickening out and avoiding it, you're never going to improve as a person. I look back at some of my old friends with pity, because the reason their life is at where it's at is because they're too scared to break boundaries.
SH: I think some people think they have to "lose the fear" before they start doing stuff like that. Like, they think they have to fix themselves or their insecurities before they start putting themselves out there. Which is entirely untrue. You have to put yourself out there first, even if you end up looking like an idiot or making mistakes.
AO: Exactly man. I look like an idiot six million times and back.
SH: How did you learn to accept the fact that sometimes in life you gotta look like an idiot?
AO: You know what, man, a story I have about this is in the fall, when I had to do a presentation for my class. I was so nervous that I decided to just walk out of the classroom before it was my turn to do the presentation. This was still this year. That knocked down my mark, and I barely passed the class.
The following semester, I looked at all my course content, and I realized that the semester was ten times worse when it came to the amount of presentations I had to do.
So I sat down and realized I couldn't run anymore, that I had to face it. Obviously, this was going to be a part of my course curriculum. The only way I would get better at doing it was by doing it head-on.
I was absolutely scared and didn't want to do it. But everytime I finished it, I felt more confident. I still get scared sometimes, but I do it anyways.
SH: Before you would've run away from it, so you're pushing your own boundary simply by doing it.
AO: Exactly. It's the little steps. Sometimes showing up is a start. The biggest part is just doing things. It gets better as you keep going.
SH: It's about the process.
AO: I have straight-up confidence now, but part of me gaining that confidence was following the cliché saying "fake it till you make it." I started this journey faking it. But I've realized that if you fake long enough, it becomes real.
SH: You are the prototype of that.
AO: My manager at work came up to me and said, "I don't know what happened, but you changed. I don't know if this confidence is real is not." And I said, "Nah, I used to fake it, but it's all real now."
SH: I want to talk about the way you physically present yourself. At some point, you started experimenting and going out of your comfort zone through your makeup looks. Do you remember how you began to experiment with makeup? What prompted you to start doing it?
AO: There was no deciding moment when I was like, "I'm gonna start going insane now." But I think where it started was when I went to Pheonix and bought two eyeshadow palettes. I loved the look of it, and I kept on using them. I realized I wanted to try different colours, as these palettes were very tame.
I started buying more extreme makeup palettes. I didn't restrict myself. There were so many possibilites. When I started trying out different looks, I felt so good about myself.
I didn't care if people looked or thought my makeup was insane. In my head, I was like, The more insane I look, the better I feel about myself.
SH: What do you say to people who say that girls wear makeup to impress other people? Because for you, it seems like it is the opposite. You wear it to impress yourself.
AO: Exactly. I get comments all the time about my makeup, like "You're wearing too much makeup" or "Why are you dressed like that?" And I honestly just feel bad for them because it is obvious they haven't reached a point in their life where they can express themselves.
SH: I think people sometimes assume that their opinion is objective and standard and valid. But it's like, no. You look at the people who say these things and they're typically the ones who are the most insecure about themselves. They envy your ability to express yourself and not care about the stupid rules about how people are "supposed" to look.
AO: People feel like they have to put themselves in a box and please other people.
SH: Exactly. They think there are "rules" they have to follow. It usually seems like the people who judge other people for dressing or appearing "outside the box" are not always the happiest with themselves.
AO: Oh, yeah. I always get lots of comments. But I don't care. Everything I wear is a statement piece. I wouldn't change that. My goal is to look as "out there" as I physically can.
SH: Another thing I love about your experimentation with makeup is that you're not afraid to make mistakes. In fact, you embrace them. I remember you told me that when you mess up on your eyeliner, you just "match" the messed-up look on the opposite side to make it look purposeful.
AO: True. Whenever I mess up on my makeup, I just replicate what I did to my other eye and then add more to it.
There's no specific way I do my makeup. I just pick the colours I'm attracted to at the moment and go for it. I never plan it out.
SH: Another part of your process of redefining yourself was developing healthier eating habits and incorporating exercise into your daily routine. Would you say that losing weight helped you to develop confidence?
AO: In my head, my entire life, I've always kind of felt like I was this weight. So when I reached this weight, I felt more comfortable with myself.
I look back, and I think a massive part of my journey was just me knowing that I was able to commit to something. I was able to take that commitment and put it into other areas of my life, too. It made me know that I am capable.
My journey of losing weight was more about my mindset than about my physical changes. I thought that I would become obsessed with my weight, but I actually haven't checked a scale for three months now.
SH: So, the way your body changed didn't really factor into your sense of confidence?
AO: I used to look back on my old photos and think, "Wow, I was so ugly." I remember you would tell me, "No, you weren't." I didn't agree.
But now I look back at my photos from when I was at my heaviest, and I realize that I could have completely 100% been myself even at that point. I don't think my body had to change for me to gain confidence. It was more about my need to change the way I looked at the world.
I was always beautiful. I don't know why I thought I wasn't.
SH: I think it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking you must look a certain way before you start dressing the way you want to. I love that you touched on the fact that it wasn't about how you looked but more about your mindset.
I want to ask... what does it mean to "be you"? How do you know you're living true to your values and who you want to be?
AO: I feel like I am true to myself because I look at myself in the mirror and I think that the biggest hero in my life is myself. I am everything I ever wanted to be. I'm so proud of myself. I know I'm living my life right when I can look at myself and be that proud.
It's not that I'm not inspired by other people - I'm inspired by you as well.
SH: (*laughs*)
AO: But it's moreso that I can just look at myself and think, "I'm everything I ever wanted to be."
SH: Is it easy for you to look at your flaws, as well, with a sense of acceptance?
AO: I've had my bad days. I recently had a really terrible panic attack, and it was really scary. It was a traumatic experience. But I'm very patient with myself, and I allow myself time to heal.
The only way to improve is to face it, though. Your bad side is part of you. I'm unapologetic about my flaws, and I'll tell people straight up how I am. I will tell people about my life, and I won't be sorry about it.
SH: You don't feel like you have to "cover-up" these supposed flaws. I think that's amazing because if more people talked about their mental illness or struggles, it would be less stigmatized.
AO: It's not talked about enough. I feel like this world believes that you can't be too mentally ill, but you can't be perfect. You must be mentally ill enough to be relatable, but you can't be losing your mind.
SH: You have to be a "quirky" level of mentally ill.
AO: Exactly. But I just straight up say it like it is. I will tell people what's going on in my brain. I don't care if it scares them.
SH: If you could say anything to your past self - the one that lacked the self-assuredness you have today - what would it be?
AO: I can't even get back into the full mindset I had back then. Honestly... I would just go back and say, "Take a look at your life. Where you are. Just think if you're happy."
SH: Finally... what would your advice be to someone who wants to "glow-up", mentally/spiritually/physically? What would you say to someone who isn't happy with where they currently are at in life?
AO: I genuinely think that the best way to succeed in any part of your life is through effort. If you put effort into anything, it will work. I look back on so many things in my life. When I failed, it was because I didn't try. Now things are going so much better, and it's because I put so much effort into it. You have to get out of the "nothing good is ever gonna happen to me" mindset and realize you have the power to change things.
SH: One of the things you touched on that I really, really like is that it's about the effort you put in, not always about the outcome. Sometimes you'll put effort in and it won't go as well as you expected. I know that sometimes when people put effort in they won't get the result they want right away, so they will immediately stop trying or putting in effort.
AO: You can't do that. Effort does have good outcomes, but it's not always going to work out your way. You must learn to accept that life isn't always fair.
But you also must continuously put in the effort. You can't expect to see results right away.
SH: And sometimes the results aren't even, like, the actual success, or the physical outcomes. You don't always see the results right away, but you'll still feel yourself improving internally as your mindset is reworked. Sometimes it's just about growing as a person and being less scared of things, as you said.
AO: Everytime I wake up, I conquer a fear, and I feel stronger, and I feel like I can accomplish more. There's no such thing as a perfect human being, but there is such a thing as growing to a point where you feel like you could accomplish anything you set your mind to. There are six million things I am terrifed of doing, but I want to do them.
SH: I honestly believe you're capable. I really do. Thank you for giving us a look into your mind and how you redeveloped your mindset. I think your story is a really inspirational look at how much power we have as individuals to change our own lives. Thank you for sharing!
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