The Enneagram. AKA, my favourite personality typing system. The Enneagram has given me many gifts, including the ability to critically look at myself - both at my flaws, and my gifts - and accept all of it. But it took me a long time to truly understand who I was. Why?
I struggled with self-acceptance for a very long time. It was an issue of both denial and self-hatred. Reading "The Wisdom of the Enneagram" was a cathartic experience because it allowed me to finally look at myself objectively and accept myself for who I truly was.
The Enneagram has made me realize that we are all alike, just as we are all dissimilar: but we all are connected to one another in varying ways.
In this way, the Enneagram functions less as a constrictive box to which we can ascribe varying personalities to our friends/family, and more as a way in which we can gain self-understanding and actualization.
For those who are not yet familiar with the basic concepts of the Enneagram and want to learn more, please take a look at this website: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions
(I will probably also write my own article soon providing more practical information on the Enneagram.)
However, this article is going to be less informative about the Enneagram itself, instead focusing more on my personal journey in understanding myself and gaining self-acceptance.
Misidentifying as Type 7
When I first took the Enneagram test I was in Grade 12. I was going through a phase where I could no longer be alone. I had recently started my first minimum wage job and was also spending a lot of time with friends. When I got home, I would be confronted by the fact that I was alone. Not being perceived was equivalent to being invisible in the world. I had to be outside, had to be surrounded by people, had to be seen.
So when I took the test, I wasn't surprised when it identified me as Type 7: The Enthusiast. Type 7's are confronted by the fear of being stuck in pain or sadness, and so they consistently fill their lives with activities and people. For unhealthy Type 7s, this is a means to keep them distracted from their underlying unease and stress. Healthy Type 7s are able to maintain a sense of security and independence whilst also remaining at ease in the social world. I was sure I was a Type 7, despite the fact I was actually going through a "phase". Previous to Grade 12, I was perfectly content being alone, and actually despised being busy. External factors had led me to get used to being around others, and an underlying sense of stress led me to push myself to stay busy.
Which was why I then thought, Maybe I'm not a Type 7. When I was younger, I spent most of my time alone, and did not feel a need to be "busy". Being busy actually often makes me MORE stressed, now that I think of it.
After all, our enneagram type doesn't change throughout our lifetime. We can all vary slightly within our types, depending on our level of healthiness (every type goes towards another type when becoming more healthy/unhealthy) and each of us also has one of two "wing types" which creates further variation.
However, your base type stays constant throughout your life.
Misidentifying as Type 9
Maybe I'm a Type 9, I thought, as the test showed that was my second most likely type. Type 9s are Mediators and Peacemakers; people who are content not to make waves. They have issues with a lot of repressed anger and emotions as they felt, when they were younger, that they weren't able to truly express their feelings. This leads Peacemakers to be extremely passive in their daily lives feeling as though they don't have opinions or a sense of self.
I've noticed that when I am depressed I tend to fall closer towards this type. I feel less secure and confident in my own likes/dislikes, beliefs, and opinions, and so to avoid creating waves, I will stifle my own interests and needs in favour of others.
Yet when reflecting on my behaviour throughout my life (especially in periods where I was not so numbed-out emotionally), I also noticed a sense of melodrama and authentic expression not entirely common to Type 9s. I knew that when I was younger, I often got in trouble for being too opinionated, loud, dramatic, and aggressive. I wasn't someone who always "went with the flow", in fact, most of my childhood I spent resisting what authority figures tried to get me to do.
I still thought I was a Type 9, because I had a lot in common with them. One of my best friends is a Type 9, and we have a lot of the same behaviours and thoughts. However, there was a piece missing. Whenever I read about Type 9, I felt like it wasn't entirely applicable.
I AM NOT A TYPE 4!
The one thing I knew was the types I was not. For most of my life, when reading about the enneagram, the type I had the strongest hatred towards was Type 4: The Individualist. I thought they were so annoying. I described them as undeniably "angsty" and dramatic - self-absorbed losers who only care about themselves. I also rejected the idea of being known as a "romantic".
I thought being a Type Four meant you were a selfish sensitive monster of a human being who was always lonely.
Then I gained some self-awareness.
Wait, I am a Type 4.
And then I picked up The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson. The book is highly readable and provides extensive detail on every single type. It is the best book on the Enneagram I have ever read, but I did not read it until a few months ago.
I read through every type, taking each pre-chapter test to figure out which type I identified with most. I could still relate to elements of the Peacemaker and the Enthusiast. I also found myself relating strongly to Type 5: The Investigator, as those are the observers, the over-analyzers of the world, who like to intellectualize and overthink their own emotions.
But then I read about Type 4, and I genuinely felt attacked. Reading about the type had always triggered me so much, but now I was reading it with a more open mind. Especially keeping in mind: "We judge in others what we do not accept in ourselves."
I genuinely wanted to identify as a Type 7 (I wanted to be seen as fun! And outgoing! And extroverted! And busy!) or Type 9 (I wanted to be seen as easygoing! And open! And peaceful! And agreeable!) But I realized that the Enneagram is not about identifying ourselves by how we wish we could be, but how we truly are.
Which was why reading about the Type 4 unearthed realizations about myself that previously I had denied. Contradictory, brooding, "misunderstood"... I didn't want to identify with these traits, but upon self-reflection, I realized that I had a tendency to dwell in the melancholy, to focus on the ways in which I was different or lesser to others.
Unlike Type 9s, Type 4s are more comfortable looking at their worlds through the eyes of emotion. They are able to delve deep within themselves, which means sometimes they can linger a bit too long within their feelings. 9s and 7s, on the other hand, tend to repress or deny these emotions. This was one of the biggest distinctions I was able to make between the types, and the reason why I had felt Type 9 and 7 didn't truly fit. I've never been afraid of big emotions, or using sadness as creative fuel. I like to write about my feelings (sometimes a bit too much).
I was also able to look at the positive traits of the Type 4, which to me was their authenticity. The Type 4 prioritizes genuine self-expression, meaning they want to be truly seen for "who they are". Throughout my whole life, I have never been one to follow trends or the crowd because popularity never mattered to me. I wanted to be me, even if that version of myself was uncool and dumb. Of course, this was not always a good thing - in middle school, my need to be "different" turned me into a contemptuous critic who bullied my friends for listening to Taylor Swift while I was listening to my Dad's punk albums, and yelled at people for using social media and following trends.
Realizing my need to feel "special" (this is still embarrassing to admit - I'll be honest, I still haven't fully come to terms with my 4-ness), to find personal significance, to live my life in accordance to what I truly want and desire - this was all part of who I am. I am a Type 4. And there isn't really anything to be ashamed of.
Reading through my diaries - which detail my life from Grade 7 to now - was also extremely helpful in helping me identify myself as a Type 4. I was able to spot my hypersensitivity and self-consciousness, and notice my need for attention combined with my tendency to over-associate with my flaws and problems. I realized that the problem was not with me being a Type 4. It was that I had been in denial of my own nature.
Because I identified with Type 5 as well, it was easy to place my wing (quick recap: "wings" describe the types on either side of your basic type. E.g., for Type 4, you would either have a 3-wing or a 5-wing, and for Type 9, either a 1-wing or a 8-wing). I was a Type 4 with a 5 wing, and taking the online Riso-Hudson test recommended by the book confirmed this as well.
Reading the description of the Four with a Five-Wing ("The Bohemian") confirmed this - it described me as creative, combining emotionality and introspection with perceptiveness and originality. "They can be intensely private, often seeing themselves as rebellious outsiders. They may have brilliant flashes of insight, but they have trouble sustaining practical efforts in the real world."
It all made sense. I was highly emotional - I did not know why I had denied this part of myself for so long. I have a tendency to not take my own feelings seriously, but I always know that I have a lot of them.
Self-Growth, as a Type 4
Now, you may be thinking, wow, good for you, you were able to put yourself in a box and identify your type. That's not very helpful, especially for someone who already over identifies with their flaws. Now you're just even more aware of them.
But, like I mentioned before, the Enneagram functions less as a box, and more as a means of self-growth. Especially when reading Riso and Hudson's book Wisdom of the Enneagram.
Previously, I had been in denial that I was a human being that experienced a lot of emotions and was sensitive. I don't know why this was surprising to me - I read the book The Highly Sensitive Person last year and felt particularly called out from it. Yet I kept telling myself I was a strong, emotionless brick - which probably made me feel even worse about myself when I was emotional.
Now, Wisdom of the Enneagram is a book that functions very differently than other personality typing systems, because the goal of the Enneagram is not to over identify with your personality type and find ways to type other people (although I am addicted to getting others to take the test). Rather, the goal is to "rise above personality" - to realize that personality is simply one's beliefs about themselves and their collection of (often) unhealthy coping mechanisms.
The book features advice on how to transform your personality into "essence" - our essential self, the being beneath all of these preexisting beliefs about ourselves. Put simply, essence is the "us" when our awareness is no longer dominated by our personality. By learning about our personalities, we are able to notice our weaknesses and flaws in judgment, therefore making our personality more transparent - thus allowing us to finally experience our Essence.
"In the process of transformation, Fours let go of a particular self-image -- that they are more inherently flawed than others, and that they are missing something that others have. They also realize that their is nothing wrong with them; they are as good as anyone else. And if there is nothing wrong with them, then no one needs to rescue them. They are entirely able to show up for themselves and create their own lives."
For me, my personality is a collection of beliefs that I am more flawed than others, that I must always "be myself" (as though it is something I must force), and that there is something missing in me that others have. Because I was in denial that I thought this way, I spent years indulging in this behaviour without any awareness that I was doing so.
I spent years chasing things that I thought would make me more complete, more whole, because of this tendency to believe there was something missing in me. I tried to erase this feeling of inadequacy in many ways. I can now look back on my behaviour in Grade 12 and notice that perhaps my need to keep myself busy and have a lot of friends was to fill this hole that told me I was unlikable and deserved to be alone.
I can look at my insistence on being unique and different in middle school as a way to which I bolstered my self-esteem. When people criticized me, I could think, I am just misunderstood, because I am an outsider. When other people copied me, I was often annoyed: I want to be special. I want to be my own person. As I gain self-understanding and awareness, I realize that this need to be different than others is actually caused by a lack of self love and self-acceptance. If I truly and genuinely liked myself, it wouldn't matter whether something I did was common or conforming. Being oneself, I've realized, is not about forcing yourself to be different than others.
Understanding that I am a Type 4 allows me to reassure myself that I am not flawed, and that I am not better or worse than anyone else. The advice the book gives me for spiritual development has helped me immensely:
Feelings are not facts.
Moodiness does not equate to real sensitivity.
It is important to set up positive, constructive routines for myself. A little structure can go a long way in freeing up your creativity.
All of these have been extremely important reminders in my self-development. Ones that wouldn't be so applicable if I hadn't been able to identify myself as a Type 4, and therefore notice my tendencies and patterns of behaviour.
I also mentioned that the Enneagram helps to show how we are all connected in some way. Every type has (alongside their wing type) a type that they go towards when they are integrating (that is, becoming emotionally "healthier") and disintegrating (becoming less emotionally healthy).
Type 4s go towards Type 1s when they are feeling good, which makes sense. 1s are practical, action-driven and self-disciplined people focused on their ideals and values. This is why one of the most helpful tips was setting up constructive routines for myself. Creative productivity is more important than simply fantasizing about being creative and not actually creating. This also made me realize that it's about what you do, not necessarily what you think or feel, that matters most.
When stressed, Type 4s go to to 2: The Helper. 2s are very focused on other people, rather than themselves; they like to worry about their relationships and seek ways to get closer to the people they like. This also provides further clarification as to why I had to be around people 24/7 in Grade 12 (and in other periods of my life). It also clarifies why I become such a people pleaser with no opinions or beliefs when I am sad, focusing on helping the lives of others and never asserting my own needs.
In this way, we can see how each personality type is connected to each other in some way. There is no type better than the other, just as there is no type that stands alone and is completely "unique" (dammit!)
I would however argue that it is easy to use the Enneagram as a way to avoid self-development. If I were simply to look at my Type and think, damn, this explains why I am moody and selfish, and then use it as a means to justify my behaviour ("Oh, I'm just being a Type 4") -- that would be extremely unhelpful in the long run.
Rather, I think the true purpose of the Enneagram is to find ways to which we can improve ourselves, become less attached to the concept of our personalities, and love one another (AND OURSELVES) for who we/they really are.
If you would like to start your path to self-acceptance and self-love and rise about the constraints of your own personality, I would highly advise reading The Wisdom of the Enneagram.
Your spiritual awakening is possible!
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