Understanding the difference between solitude and loneliness.
Some of us flourish when we are alone, and see it as a daily necessity to regaining our headspace and clarity. Some others dread that moment when they shut the door and there is no one around them. As they face the fear of having only them and their thoughts for company, they may experience boredom, pain, and sadness.
There is no denying that humans are social creatures. In fact, according to a Harvard study, the number one factor in predicting our happiness and health is the amount of priority we put into our relationships with others.
And loneliness can be dangerous - studies have shown that lonely people have been found to have worse sleep patterns, higher blood pressure, and a slower healing time when wounded than people who are not lonely. They also are at a higher risk for heart disease, obesity, anxiety, weakened immune function, depression, and cognitive decline.
But what does it truly mean to be lonely? And what can we do to solve it?
Loneliness ≠ The Absence of Others
For some of us who have struggled with depression, social anxiety, or other mental health concerns, we know that simply being around people is not always a cure for the feeling of loneliness.
Almost everyone has had an experience when, in a crowded room, they feel entirely alone. Maybe no one seems to understand them, or no one seems to care; or maybe we feel as though we don't fit in. This feeling of discomfort and alienation is an example of how loneliness can emerge even in social settings.
Although loneliness is usually attributed to the actual physical act of being by oneself, this is not always the case.
Solitude and Loneliness
"Loneliness is about perceiving that no one is there for you. But solitude is about making a choice to be alone with your thoughts."
- Amy Morin
Solitude - spending time alone - is healthy for us. This is because we know that simply being alone does not "cause" loneliness.
The reason why some can spend time alone and not feel loneliness is because they still experience a deep sense of connection with the outside world and with others, despite their solitary state.
When you are able to be alone and still feel like people are there for you, and that people care about your wellbeing, then you are less likely to feel lonely.
In solitude, many will feel peaceful and satisfied. Rather than seeing time alone as a chance to escape other people and avoid them, they put more emphasis on the fact that it is time to spend with themselves.
It can be seen as a time to refresh and renew. Solitude allows us to reflect, to take care of ourselves, and to recharge for busier times.
But when does the state of being solitary go from the joy of solitude to the pain and negativity of loneliness?
Loneliness comes from one's belief or feeling that...
Something is missing
They are forgotten about by others
They lack positive social connections with others
They are not a part of your community or society in general.
It can emerge from long or short periods of isolation.
The Loneliness Pandemic
Thanks to the spread of COVID and an increased need to limit exposure, the last few years have led to people spending increased time alone and isolated.
Social isolation, at first, can feel like a blessing to some of us. Those who are introverted or enjoy spending time alone may see it as a time to "slow down" our lives, and avoid the sometimes awkward or painful experiences of socialization.
However, regardless of whether or not you see yourself as a "social" or "outgoing" person, social isolation will inevitably end up causing some sort of emotional or mental harm.
Chronic Loneliness
For those who dealt with extensive isolation over the pandemic (and especially those who lived alone), the loneliness that came out of their isolation can be ongoing, even as things return to normal and they start to live their typical lives.
If you have struggled with these feelings and symptoms over the past couple years, you are not alone:
Struggling to form deeper connections with people.
Feeling burnt out from socializing, even in small doses.
Feeling isolated, regardless of where you are or who is around you.
Negative feelings of self doubt.
Increased social anxiety.
These are symptoms of "chronic loneliness". This is loneliness that is extensive and takes place over a long period of time (think months).
The worst part of this loneliness is that it may seem to isolate you even more.
However, it is not a permanent state, and there are ways to make it easier.
The Cure for Loneliness
If one can be lonely even around others, the cure for loneliness is not simply "surround yourself with as many people as you can, as often as possible."
Sometimes the journey from loneliness to connection takes deeper work than just throwing yourself into a room full of people and hoping you fit in.
However, "putting yourself out there", socially, is one way to cure loneliness, as long as you surround yourself with people who make you feel understood and cared for.
Spending positive time with people you care about and can form a connection with can help ease the pain of disconnection and isolation.
But sometimes loneliness is something that won't go away simply by being around others. You may still feel a deep ache of loneliness, even when around people whom you mutually care about.
For that my advice is, be patient with yourself. If you have spent a lot of time feeling alienated, misunderstood, or alone, don't expect your loneliness to immediately dissipate just through socializing.
Allow yourself to embrace the emotion, and accept it. Observe the sensations it gives you. Sometimes we think that the first thing we need to do when we experience loneliness is to either distract ourselves from it, or ignore it entirely. But if you want to process the emotion more quickly and have it move through you with greater speed and ease, the best way is to allow yourself to truly experience it.
Acts of service can also help ease loneliness. Take care of the people around you. Volunteer. Realize that so many other people, maybe your friends, maybe your family, feel lonely too, so use your experience to help ease their pain.
Become your own friend. Sometimes the reason we dread being alone is because we are not kind or in touch with ourselves. View being alone as a chance to discover what you enjoy, and see it as an opportunity to do what you please, go at your own pace, dance without anyone seeing you, eat what you feel, and watch whatever you want to watch! Changing the experience of being alone from something frightening to something you can be grateful for is a useful strategy.
Find routines. Struggling with loneliness can lead you to thinking that nobody cares, or that you are burden for asking people to hang out with you. Join a weekly class, or create a routine of getting breakfast with a friend every Sunday. These routines will ensure that you spend time around others without having to initiate it each time.
The Beauty of Solitude
Loneliness can be painful, but you are not alone in the experience. Throughout the pandemic, isolation has brought me both great loneliness, AND the experience of deep solitude and joy.
For a while, I feared being alone because of my experience with loneliness. As I returned to a (somewhat) normal lifestyle, I went through a period of time where I actively tried to avoid being alone so I would never have to experience what it felt like to be socially disconnected again.
It worked for a while. By forcing myself to socialize as often as I could, I was able to (eventually) feel connected to the outside world once more.
However I also resisted something that used to bring me great joy, and that was spending time with myself.
When I recently got covid, I was "forced" to spend almost three weeks alone. What I learned was that the thing I feared most was also something that could bring me great joy.
Life is best in balance. Having to be busy all the time or be around others in order to maintain your happiness is not always a healthy lifestyle, and can be a sign that you are trying to avoid something. Finding a way to enjoy being alone will allow you to gain independence, clarity, introspection, and joy. So don't avoid it.
And even if socializing, and social events, can be uncomfortable, or scary, or annoying sometimes, remember that it is healthy for you, too.
So allow yourself to find the flow of your life, and balance between solitude and socializing, that brings you the greatest joy.
Do you struggle with loneliness? What have you learned through isolation? Let me know in the comments below.
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