Are you clingier when it comes to friendships and relationships? Or are you more averse to intimacy and emotional closeness? Some of us may be completely secure in their friendships and relationships, and have no problem creating healthy attachments to those they love. However, if you are like me, you may have issues when it comes to creating and maintaining bonds with people.
How we relate to others and form relationships with them has come to be known as our attachment style. Recently I took the Attachment Style test from the Attachment Project (check out this website if you're interested in the different styles, and finding out more about your own!) I also read the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. It has been fundamental in helping me understand the way I function in relationships, and given me groundwork to improve so I can create healthier partnerships with others.
The Attachment Style theory was first developed by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s, who expanded on earlier research done by John Bowlby on the connection between child and caregiver.
Ainsworth noted that when caregivers left their babies alone, the children would each have very different reactions to being without their presence. Based on these different responses she came up with three major styles of attachment: secure attachment, avoidant attachment, and anxious attachment.
The theory put out the idea that parenting styles have a huge influence on how a child will form attachments later in their life--and how secure or insecure they will be in these attachments.
Below are some details about the four main attachment styles. To figure out which category you fit into most, please take the test.
SECURE ATTACHMENT
Ainsworth noted that some children, when left without their caregivers, were fairly mellow. When greeted by their caregiver again, the child would react positively. Ainsworth dubbed this type the "secure" attachment style. The secure attachment style is the most common attachment style, meaning most people do not have an issue forming bonds or being intimate with others. They are usually warm and loving.
Children with secure attachment styles typically have caregivers that satisfied their needs and did not break their trust. Their parents made them feel safe, seen, and known. Their parent was there to comfort and soothe them, even in their most panicked or upset emotional states. This allowed the child to become aware of their own value, and feel supported to explore. Their parents help to slowly develop their autonomy and independence so they could get a strong and secure sense of self.
Having a secure attachment style means you will have a positive view of yourself and others. You will also look back on your childhood fondly, despite its imperfections.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
Children with an anxious attachment type would typically be very distressed when their caregiver left the room. They would react negatively and be wary of any strangers that approached them.
Those with anxious attachment may have a very difficult time feeling secure in relationships. They may be preoccupied with their partnerships and often worry about whether or not their partner truly cares for them. They need a lot of reassurance and have a fear of rejection or abandonment.
Growing up, those with anxious attachment often had parents who were very inconsistent. At times, these caregivers were supportive and were there for their children. At other times, they were apathetic or unresponsive. Perhaps they demanded emotional closeness from their child in order to meet their own needs - rather than their child's.
Suffering from an anxious attachment style can be very difficult. You may be constantly stressed and anxious about your relationships. It can be very hard to feel satisfied. You might also have a tendency to overwhelm people with your need for validation and reassurance.
Although it can be very difficult to change your attachment style, the first step is recognizing which one is yours. From there, you can notice some of your unhealthy patterns and attempt to break free from them.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
Ainsworth noted that some children, when left behind from their caregivers, either didn't care, or avoided their parents when they came back. These children were said to have avoidant attachment. At first glance, they appeared confident and self-sufficient. Underlying this is the belief that they must be tough and independent and cannot rely on anyone. This can lead to loneliness and the inability to build long-lasting relationships.
After taking the test and reading the Attached book, I realized this was the attachment type I most related to. I often equate emotional closeness and vulnerability with a loss of independence. I am deeply afraid of having to rely on anyone for my own emotional fulfillment. Because of this, I always try to keep some distance in my close relationships - as soon as someone tries to get close to me, I often pull away. I am quite uncomfortable opening up to others or expressing my private thoughts. However, after reading this book, I realized this is not necessarily healthy, and is actually caused by having an avoidant attachment style.
Those with avoidant attachment styles were not necessarily neglected by their parents. However, their caregivers may have tended to avoid or front upon displays of emotion and intimacy, and/or were mistuned to their child's emotional needs. They may have viewed their child's emotions as something to stifle or push down in order for their child to "toughen up".
Note: my parents were by no means bad parents! However there is no such thing as a perfect parenting style. I am very sensitive and as a child I would react to a lot of things with wild, frenzied emotional outbursts. I was often given a "time-out" and left alone for hours in my room to self-regulate these emotions. Soon I learned how to deal with my emotions on my own without the help of others, which, as I grew older, led to me become more independent and secretive when it came to my feelings.
DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT
The disorganized attachment theory is a combination of both the anxious and the avoidant attachment styles (which is why it is also known as the anxious-avoidant attachment style). When babies with this style were left behind, they were often confused or apprehensive. This is because their caregivers - who were their only source of safety - were also a source of fear. That is why this attachment style is often seen in people who were abused as children.
People with the disorganized attachment style are inconsistent in relationships. They may have a hard time trusting others. They have the urge to belong - they want to love, and be loved in return. However, they have a deep fear that letting people in will result in them getting hurt. They may find it hard to regulate their own emotions, have a strong fear of being hurt or abandoned, and may alternate between being very needy and being aloof.
This is similar to the avoidant attachment style - they both have a fear of intimacy and being close to others. The main difference is that they actually want to be in a relationship. They do not reject emotional intimacy; they are merely terrified of it.
Growing up, their caregiver may have been unpredictable. The child learned to rely on them for safety and food, but simultaneously did not trust them and did not feel like they could fully rely on them to meet their physical and emotional needs. Therefore, at times they would seek closeness with their caregiver, whilst others times would reject the caregiver completely and distance themselves out of fear.
The disorganized attachment style is by far the most extreme of all the attachment types. However, there are many ways to heal. One is by healing and processing your childhood trauma. You may have a tendency to see others the way you saw your caregiver - despite your desire to connect with them, you may be deeply afraid that they will hurt you. Working through this pain might allow you to let down your guard. Finding a healthy partnership with someone who supports you and does not give you mixed signals might also allow you to make sense of your needs and emotions.
Figuring out your attachment style can help give you insight on the way you behave in your friendships and relationships! I would highly recommend reading Attached. The book provides more strategies and ideas on how to work with your attachment style and find ways to improve your partnerships with others. Please also check out attachmentproject.com to take the test, as well as more information on the types!
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